--trigger warning--




I need to get this off my chest and outta my head. To compound all the cr@p my mother said to me when I was growing up, all the "what makes you think YOU'RE so special?" (her response when I said I wanted to be a writer someday) and "You'll never amount to anything" and "Get out of my face!" and talking smack about me on the phone to her friends when I could hear and demanding that my dad beat me with his belt etc etc ad nauseum....

When I was around 19 or so I think and in college I was like a lot of people that age sort of "feeling out" who I was at that point, sexually among other ways. That was the beginnings of what I finally in the last year realized was my bisexuality. Anyway I fell in love with a woman, it was a tumultuous 'affair' I guess you could say, and at the time I was very close to my brother and I told him because I just so badly needed to talk to someone about the whole thing. Well, the dope went and tattled to our parents about it. My dad was ok with the whole thing he sorta was like well you're still my daughter and I still love you.

But my mother. Oy. She wrote me this horrid, horrid 3 page letter and mailed it to me at school basically disowning me. She wrote lovely sentiments in it like "I'm glad your grandparents are dead because this would have killed them" (this was HER OWN parents she was talking about!) and "You better hope the Girl Scouts don't find out because if they do you'll never work at camp again, since you might do something to the girls there" (Knowing full well that working at girl scout camp was something that I loved so very much, I taught swimming lessons and lifeguarded and loved being outdoors) OMG can you imagine reading that letter and hearing my own MOTHER accuse me of being a child molester?! WTF? I've blocked out most of the contents of that letter, but this part came back to me this morning as the dumptruck load of realizations keeps spilling over my head and I am bawling right now. I HATE that woman. I just mentioned this to my h thinking he might console me a little and what does he say? "It's wrong to hate your mother." EXCUSE THE F ME?! And it was right for her to do what she did? I really want to talk to t but I have to go to work. I am so upset right now. Just typing this out though has made the hurt a little less though already.

When I was seeing t1 for a short time, I did try to confront my mother about the letter and she sat there and bold-faced DENIED ever writing it. As if. I know your handwriting, you coward. I don't have it anymore, as I burned it the day I received it, but apparently the contents are seared in my memory somewhere as I have been recalling pieces of it this morning. Anyway I never mentioned it to her again.

Any suggestions on how to close up this stupid dumptruck that won't stop emptying $#^% all over my brain? Where did all my progress go? Why am I feeling like trash somebody took out to the curb right now? Why do I need my t so much it hurts? BAH!!! And ACK!!!! And I wish I could just go back to bed an pull the covers over my head. Thank you for listening if anybody got this far. Sorry to be a downer this morning. I really needed to get this out of my head in the worst way.