TL;DR: Jump to last paragraph

Hello!
I'm sorry if this turns out like a self-pitying rant. I'm really trying to be likeable, honestly.

I'm 22, male, from Norway. I'm writing this because I need to vent, and because I need someone to say something to me. Something that matters. Anything. Even criticism would make me feel better.

I'm not okay right now.

I have BPD with paranoid traits and a drug addiction (mostly alcohol and weed). I have been depressed (dysthymic, periodically hyperthymic) for as long as I can remember, which isn't that long - I have almost no memories from before the age of 9, and I remember very little from before I moved away from home at 19. My memory fades, depression and drugs do that to you. I also have bipolar disorder, most likely bipolar II.

BPD: I have my BPD very much under control. I am nothing like the people with BPD you read about online, I don't have rage fits, in fact all of my personal relationships are very stable and good. I am in a committed relationship with someone who really loves me. I don't do splitting anymore and I've longe since stopped cutting.

Addiction: I'm improving much with regards to my drug addiction. I'm down to about once, and not much, every second day. My goal is twice a week by sunday next week and then eventually once a week. By the way, have respect for drug addicts. This is TOUGH! I can't even imagine how serious heroin addiction is.

BD: My bipolar and chronic depression, however, are not doing so good. the BP really started about a year and a half ago, but I've been on meds for most of the time, untill December 2012. In the last three days I have been completely euphoric, then severely depressed, full of energy and then drained and tired a few hours later. I have been joyous and loving towards everyone and everything for a while and then ****ing irritable and just full of hate after that. This sucks. This definitely sucks. Obviously rapid cycling of some sort, but honestly I think I prefer it that way. At least I know it will pass quickly.

The point: I've lived like this for a long time. I know how to manage my personality disorder. I make up for it by being a good person, and at the end of the day I do actually feel good about myself. But this is too ****ed up. I feel like I can't do this much longer. How am I supposed to cope when all I ever have to look forward to is the drugs (and hypomania, but I try not to look forward to that), and even that is bad for me? Everything is either very painful or just dreary. I thought severe major depression was hell, but when the depression becomes chronic it kills MDE by just looking in its general direction. And the euphoria? What the hell? WHY, fate? WHY would you give me 6 hours of bliss just to drag me even further down than I was before? How do bipolar people cope with this? It feels like everything is falling apart. I constantly think about suicide. I lie all the time, mostly about petty things that don't even matter to me, because it just seems so pointless. Why not lie? I lie so often that I don't believe in the stuff I say to myself anymore. I need my therapist to believe in it for me, so I can too, but how do I do that when I can't even remember the stuff that matters untill I'm drunk or crashing down from hypomania? I'm either emotionally blunted or just spinning out of control, I forget everything, I'm an addict, I'm a liar, my personality (the core of who I am as a person) is sick, I'm sick and I feel completely lost. What's the point? Seriously. SERIOUSLY! Why do you people bother? Is it really worth living just to not hurt other people? I wish I was one of the sad and dying people in Grey's Anatomy. Haha. :-)