Thanks big mama. I know I need to get back into T. I can ask her about it, but she hates doctors and I get the feeling she wont want to go. I can bring it up. I feel so conflicted about everything. Sometimes I wonder if it is my depression that makes me not trust her or if I am just for feeling this way. Maybe I'm just as guilty as she is for not talking about my depression. I told her when we first started dating, but it took me 8a years to tell her how it really feels for me. I'm just going to take rhings slow and keep being open with her. I'm just worried that I can't handle the fallout if this releationship doesn't work out.

I know it's wrong and I feel bad for saying it, but she is the only reason I don't hurt myself when I get depressed. With her, I don't pursue all of my self destructive urges. Even when things are bad, I find strength in having her in my life.