I must say that it is very nice to once again have a T who is strongly on my side (although now I realize she has been all along). I am so relieved to have broken from my spiral. I like the fact that I'm not annoying T by being super needy. I am standing on my own.

I had a really good session today. I believe since I'm in a better place and respecting her boundaries, she doesn't feel like she needs to be a brick wall. We had a lot more give and take today than has occurred during my last couple of sessions. We teased each other, which I always like.

Today she complemented me on several areas. One, that I am not assuming the worst. She said the more often I fight it on the front end, the easier it will be to become more positive in general. Two, she said I have a really excellent work ethic, almost too good. She feels very strongly that I need to take some time off. She also felt that I need to politely demand my performance evaluation from my boss. Three, that I am in distress in several different areas of my life, but I'm not spiraling downward. I'm handling it.

I told her that there was no way I could pay her today. She told me that she has never had a problem with that. I told her about a conversation I had with H over the weekend about the insurance changes with rates and length of sessions. He said that T is just using it as an excuse to charge more and if I really wanted to see if she cared or not, stop paying her. I called the concept "mercenary T". She said, "Does he realize I'm not so mercenary? It is the same concept and same argument with anyone in a service profession. Say a manicurist for example. 'If you really care about me, you'd do my nails for free.' It just doesn't work like that. You work in the field and you know how it is. However, know that I love what I do so much that if I won the lottery, I would still counsel. Maybe only 1-2 days a week, but I would...for free."

Wow. T really likes what she does.

We had to move my session next week but I didn't mind. She was very concerned that it would be at a time that worked for me since she had to reschedule. She ran to the receptionist's office twice to confirm. She didn't hug me, but I was okay with that because I felt 'held' during the session. I asked her (not during session time, afterward) about her son in Afghanistan. She told me about things he was doing there and that he missed his wife and sons. I ended the conversation and walked away. That felt really good.

We can have good, yet flexible boundaries. I am glad I don't have the option to email anymore. It is forcing me to handle things myself and that is progress!