I know, two posts in one night but I rarely get on here (don't really want my fiance to know and he's around a lot, not that it matters but this is personal). So I guess here's my question: I've been sexually assaulted numerous times in my life, But there were a few times I just need some clarity about. I guess the first incident I'm confused about was when I was with some guy I just met (and did not like) and I felt pressured by him as well as by myself to give him a blowjob. I came from a really strict upbringing and part of my teenage rebellion was trying to pretend like I was a slut (I really wasn't, in fact I was terrified of sex for whatever reason and didn't really like it). So anyway... I felt pressured but I never said no, I was sober, and I even pretended to enjoy it but I actually hated it. I felt dissociative throughout and I feel like he may have known I wasn't really into it. Thing is I'm wondering if that counts as assault/rape or not- as I did not say no and (although I know he was pushing me) I don't know if he really knew if I wanted it or not. All I know is this incident really affected me.

I've had other things happen to me in a similar vein. I was out clubbing and agreed to dance with a guy (just dance) for $30. I was pretty innocent at the time and thought we were going to just dance and instead he ended up rubbing his **** on my *** till he came. I never agreed to this but once again, I'm not sure if that really counts since he may have thought that's what I agreed to. A similar incident happened clubbing where a guy fingered me on the dancefloor without my consent but I didn't say no or fight back. Another time in college I was hanging out with this guy I barely knew and he pushed me into having oral sex with him as well as fingering me. I once again never said no, I think I even pretended to enjoy it but I wasn't even in my body at the time. I was sober and so was he but I felt like he knew I wasn't into it but I can't be sure. Is that rape/assault?
A similar incident happened at a party when a guy came up to me and fingered me repeatedly even after I pushed him away. So I guess I'm pretty clear on that one. He was wasted though so I don't know if I should give him a pass.

Also with my current fiance we were having sex and he started doing **** and I said no and he held me down and kept going for maybe 30 secs before I told him again that he was hurting me and then he stopped. We have rough sex a lot and I enjoy it but I feel like I shouldn't have had to say no more than once. He knows me well enough to know when I'm saying "no" in a sexy way and when I'm saying "no, stop". It was only for a split second and we were both drunk so I don't know if he just didn't realize he had gone too far or if I communicated it correctly. There was also a time when he was on Ambien and I was not (we've done this before no problem but usually I'm the one on Ambien or we both are) and he tried to push me into doing more than I wanted to. I feel like that can't count because he was so ****ed up and I guess I shouldn't have been having sex with him in the first place, but he pulled me on top of him and pushed me into doing it. Kind of makes me feel like a rapist myself. He also recently told me (I didn't remember this until he brought it up) that he was worried that the first time we had sex he might have raped me. He told me I kept putting my hands on his chest and telling him I wasn't on birth control and then we had sex anyway. I vaguely remember this and I have never even thought about it before. I don't remember ever feeling violated the morning after either but now that he mentioned it I feel kind of weird. Just brings up bad memories.

I guess all this just makes me uncomfortable. I feel like there's so much gray area in all these incidents and I don't know if I was raped/assaulted/abused in any way. I also feel incredibly guilty as my fiance and I talk all the time about how I've been raped based on these incidents but I don't know if that actually counts. I know a lot of friends (including my fiance) who have been violently raped and I feel that in calling what I've been through rape or even sexual assault is belittling to what they've gone through. Sometimes I feel like the only way to rectify the whole issue is to be violently raped like that. I feel like such a fraud talking about this with them and I just need some insight into this: was I raped or assaulted?

There's been other more minor incidents of sexual assault/harassment that I've encountered too but these are the worst things that happened to me and I don't know if it counts. I feel so guilty saying I was raped when I'm not sure if I was. I feel like my only worth is in my sexuality and so when I'm in a situation like that I generally don't say no, instead I smile and act like I enjoy it even if I dissociate and/or feel horrible and panicky. I know that was long winded but if a guy can tell you aren't into it even if you say yes is it still rape/assault?

Feel so guilty, shameful and confused. Any help would be appreciated.