Not sure where to start but I guess I just need a little clarity on something if you guys can help me out. I've never had many memories from my childhood and suddenly about three years ago I started having flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms. These flashbacks were really a mixture of things both good, bad and neutral and frankly I don't know what to make of them. I don't know whether to believe them or not, as they came out of the blue during a manic episode. I know I came from an emotionally abusive family, but these memories were a bit different I guess. My boyfriend and therapist both think I've suffered some sort of sexual abuse in the past but my memories stopped abruptly and I have never gotten any clear indication that sexual abuse happened to me. I guess the reasons my therapists and boyfriend think this may be the case is because I've been diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and I have issues with sexual dysfunction (as in I go through periods where I can't stand to be touched and periods where all I want is sex), as well as dissociation (especially during sex). I also have memories of inappropriate sexual knowledge at a very young age (like maybe 5 or so, not sure) and suffered from chronic vaginal infections as a kid. I don't know if there is anything to this and I don't know if I believe in spontaneous recovery of memories of abuse, but this has been driving me nuts over the last couple years, to the point where I've attempted suicide three times, had some serious relationship issues (including emotional and physical abuse on both sides with my current partner). I guess I understand that no one will ever be able to tell me what happened to me. I just wish I could gain some clarity and stop letting this run my life. I don't know what makes me feel sicker: the fact that I may be accusing someone I love of sexually abusing me when they haven't or the thought that maybe someone did do these things to me.

Any thoughts? Please help... so sick of dealing with this.