I don't really know what to say other than not feel guilty there are many levels of rape and assault. I was raped, sexually abused, and physically abused my the same person. Same issue here. Some of the times I didn't say no be he knew I didn't want it. And a few times I was scared if I didn't act like I liked it he would hurt me more... But I'm ok now... Sorta

Just hang in there and love your man. Get married and don't worry about it. God has a plan for you