In the middle of the large ruptures with my T, she kept telling me how critical I was being and how much she hates being critisised. All I was doing was trying to talk about the hurt I experienced as a result of her mistakes. She told me she felt like I was beating up on her. My T has always been certain I'm very angry unconsciously. She's always encouraged me to express my anger. When I did, it pushed her away (these are her words, not mine) it made her feel beaten up on, it made her feel critisised. It made her say some awful things. Yet I never yelled like she did (right at the beginning of everything going wrong).

If we didn't have a really solid four year relationship then the relationship wouldn't have survived that stuff (and all the other mistakes). I fought because we had a solid relationship. Because these was a chance that she would hear me and realise what I needed again.

It was much later that she apologised for what had happened (though more mistakes happened after that). It was much later that she told me she realised she was being very defensive at times. It was much later when she supported me in fighting for the relationship rather than working to push me out the door. It's still not all resolved. A lot of bad stuff happened and I'm a little concerned that I might end up exactly where you are in the not too distant future. A lot of trust has been lost and it's hard to know what to expect of T, even with the four solid years behind us. I had no idea she would ever react to me like this, or hurt me so badly and then leave me with all the hurt.

I'm really sorry that you're in such a bad place right now (the place I'm so afraid of). I'm sorry things are so awful. I hope you're able to find a way forwards and find the right help for you.