While I watch the world move forward,
While I watch the news recount tails of violence and death,
While I watch over everyone,
While I watch I am reminded that the universe,
no mater how big or small,
will keep me alive to torment me with this.

Torment me with my past,
Torment me with my love,
Torment me with my compassion,
Torment me with what I have found along the way.

I will always be suffering for things that aren't mine,
I will be always be reminded how things were,
I will never forget,

And the universe will keep going,
And I will keep suffering,
Longing for the time where the universe just says stop.

And when that happens,
I will be more than thankful for my long pain to end.

I just want this to stop,
But things keep holding me back,
Making me suffer though it all,
Killing me and what I am, further and Further.

There is no end to this,
I just want to stop.

I don't think I'm going to end it anytime soon, even thought the pain has gotten far past my level of understanding and coping. I'm almost 22; I have been living with depression for the vast majority of my memorable life and right now, I just can't take it anymore and I don't know what to do from here. Two and a half years ago, I found myself getting help for this; The doctors gave me medicine that made me lose my mind and it took them awhile to realize it. I've been in therapy, I've done most of what I've found in terms of getting different help. I have been open to them all until the last 6 months or so. I have just simply lost faith that any of them know what there doing and have any desire to help me. About 4 weeks ago, I received a message that made my mind just stop. It was nothing bad, It was nothing good either, it was just my friends remarks of his job and how well things went. He's a Paramedic and it got into detail. It made my mind break into several thoughts about how no matter what, I'm just going to keep failing at what I do. 2 weeks ago, I went to my therapist, I didn't want to talk to her about it, but something similar came up and she make me start thinking (eventually) about how I will always fail to meet the expectations of others and how I could never live up to the expectations people have of me that were set by my parents bragging a gloating about how well my older sister was doing in school and was going to be great. I'm in architecture school, and even though I am constantly put down by my teachers (That's just what architecture school is, I'm not saying they have it out for me or anything, they do that to us all because that's just the nature of architecture schooling. Looking elsewhere to go to school, I find the same thing over and over again), I always find a way to be far better in my design work that most everyone (I'm not gloating, or being self-centered by saying that, I most certainly don't think I am, that's what many others have said). Still, no matter how good I am doing, not matter what, I still haven't met the expectations set in front of me. Leaving this past semester, my mother said something to reaffirm this, I can't remember what it was, I just remember feeling like I was nothing to my parents. Right now, It's really bad, and I don't want to go talk to my doctors because thy don't care, they have don nothing but make me worse. I just don't know what to do from here. This pain hurts so very much, much more than what I can handle; all I want is to feel something else, and physical pain is something that has crossed my mind.

As I sit here typing this out, wondering if I should go force myself to eat something, in a relatively mellow moment of my busy day full of product research and trying to figure out what new phone would be best for me to replace my broken non-smart phone (Non of which I have any desire to do), I'm just lost and confused on what to do and what my options are. I have tried it their way and have just lost anything I had, prior to seeking help, of protecting my heart from this. The only think I can think of is ECT, something drastic I have never I would be thinking about as an option, But I don't know how to tell that to them. I have been on many different kinds of medications without any difference, therapy has done nothing. I just don't know what my option are that are left for me or what to do.


I'm sorry this is long, there's just been a lot I have been thinking about lately that I can't figure out. I'm sorry