To cut to the chase, I feel that my past traumas have led me to possess a different world-view than my peers. I don't judge them for it, but I feel like they all don't really "get it" yet. I'm don't enjoy doing typical college things very often. I don't like small talk and no one seems to be interested in the things that I talk about. I think that my intelligence and demeanor is often daunting. I've have so many men tell me that I am really intimidating, which hurts. I identify with people older than me fairly easily, but I live in a town were my tender age of "22" is considered up there. quote henrydavidtherobot

Ok, yes I see you, you have the intellect that is also from the kind of "victim mentality" you developed. You had to learn how to "control" your environment because you were never afforded the normal "safety" that allowed you to feel you had the "safety net" that you could run to "just incase". You tend to "look over your shoulder" but it is so engrained in you that you are unaware of it. The only way you know how to connect really is through "control" you had to learn that to survive. You can't "need" anyone really, because that is not in your "picture" although, you are looking for the kind of people that have "intellect" that is more like that "parent" figure you never had.

I have a feeling that "others" dismiss you because you can come on like the "all knowing" and most likely you tend to take the center instead of standing in the center and allowing others to "express themselves" to you. You probably tend to tell others what to "think" because you had to do it for others, yet they only "took" from you and didn't really "see you". You see your mother as "not loving you" because even though you took care of her in whatever way you could, she didn't appreciate it and she didn't even know how to appreciate herself, no self love, so yes she wanted the complete "escape". That had nothing to do with your worth, or that she should have loved you enough to think about how that would "hurt you". Well, she didn't have that in her, not even for herself, she probably was some kind of victim too, mentally challenged so that she was way too self absorbed for any kind of enlightenment.

You want to feel loved, but it has escaped you, and you most likely have an air about you that offends others that you don't even recognize. If others seem weak to you or "not mature" well, they probably send the message to you that they are simply not intelligent or knowedgeable enough to be "dependable enough to trust so you can feel intellectually that "you can trust their love for you". Often this kind of mentality is seen in Borderline personality disorder, lots of drive and intellect, but not trust that can last, always waiting for the hurt to come. There is a very "hurt child in you" that you protect, and have never truely figured out how to help that child really feel loved.
You are not innocent like so many others and probably that is not something they gravitate to or understand.

I am "very sorry" that you didn't have what you truely deserved growing up. You deserved to have a "mother" that loved you, you deserved to have that presence that was your "emotional safety net" too. I am sure you tend to look for that person that can send you the kind of intellectual signals that can make up for that "void". Yes, you are "not" just a young 20yr old, and none of them will truely have what "you" are looking for either. You most likely can see the "faults' and warning signs in others that they don't see, or may even hide. You have a radar now where you can almost predict the faults and weaknesses in others that they have not experienced enough yet to understand themselves. Wouldn't it be nice to meet that person who could fill that void and wisk you away in their arms where that "hurt child in you" can finally sigh a breath of relief.

Am I getting close to seeing you? Remember, I don't know you, can't see your body language either, just thinking about what would be there with "your history" and from what you are sharing.

Open Eyes