For the first one I'm still a little unsure. As I said before the guy knew I didn't like him and while I didn't push him away or say no before we started doing anything I feel like my body language was very clear- as in I tensed up when he touched me, wouldn't look at him, etc. It was only after we started that I felt like I had to pretend to like it. I don't know if that changes anything... still a bit unclear on it.

As for the guy in college... I think it was even more obvious. He was trying to get me to sit next to him and I didn't even want to do that. I told him I was comfortable where I was but then he kept asking so I did. When he touched me I immediately tensed up and pulled away but he kept going. He used the fact that he knew I self injured to try and convince me that sex with him could help me relieve that kind of stress but I dissented at first. He kept pushing me and it was after we started being sexual that I felt the pressure to act like I enjoyed it. I think it was this experience that really affected me the most at first... I started getting panic attacks and couldn't let any one touch me. Still doesn't mean it's rape but I'm pretty certain he knew from my previous dissent and body language that I wasn't into it when we started. I don't know... what do you think?

And as far as the last one... I was really drunk and I'm not sure if I meant for him to stop or if I was just trying to make sure he knew I wasn't on birthcontrol and was cool with that. I honestly don't remember the situation and didn't realize that he was unsure about it either till last week. Makes me really uncomfortable to think about.

But anyway... thank you for some clarity on that. It's been too much for me to really talk with my therapist about yet... at least not in those graphic terms and without laying it out like this I don't know how to get a real answer. It's a lot easier to write it. I'm just so scared of being some histrionic liar and crying rape. Especially after seeing what some of my friends and my fiance have gone through. I told my fiance about some of my earlier experiences (including childhood abuse) and it really set off some bad memories for him (he was raped as a child) and that really negatively impacted our relationship. I'm scared that I've done him some wrong in telling him I was raped because I wasn't sure if I really was and it affected him (and us) so badly.

Thanks for helping me get some clarity about this whole thing.