In my post above, some of the things I say may hit true to you, some may not. But you definitely have been tossed around and had to learn some things the "hard way". Most likely the ongoing abuse you suffered was due to you picking the wrong people that you allowed into your life. You were most likely drawn to people who you thought seemed strong somehow, someone that could fill that void. But you were young and you didn't have enough "foundation" to be able to be more selective and see some "warning signs". You probably got involved with some "low life" for lack of a better word, and you were just "too young" to understand how these people could "hurt you". Well, that only made things worse, and the kind of "intellect" you have includes these experiences as well.

Most likely, you have so many "scars" or even "wounds" from the verbal abuse of your mother and other people that abused you somehow, instead of "loving, understanding, accepting, and encouragement". So any kind of message anyone sends out that you consider "critical" means "you are unacceptable and unworthy" so you end up feeling "unheard" or as you say "unable to "bond" with others".

When a therapist says, "you are very mature for your age" and even notices your "intellect", that can be confusing. And it really isn't getting to the part of you that is hurt and isn't mature. When a therapist says that, often what they are seeing is "the hard shell you have grown around you".

We "all" grow shells around us, and each of us are somewhat unique in how we develope that hard shell. However, inside all of us, is something soft and vulnerable. That is often called "our core" and when we get therapy, we begin to slowly develope enough "trust" with a therapist so we can slowly express that "soft core that we have grown to protect".

Unhappyguy is right about body language, often we can unknowingly exude body language that expresses our weaknesses or our sense of unworthiness, or even our anger about whatever we may not have that we might think we need or that others tend to "pick out" in us that is a common target. Society tends to set trends to what we should look like or have that deems us "valuable" and "worthy" somehow. And unfortunately society also sends messages of what to see as "unworthy" too.

Unfortunatley we have been victimized by this phenomenon pretty much throughout the history of man, that was made even worse when we developed the "mirror" so we could "see ourselves, compared to others". We tend to think that if we look like something desirable or have something that is deemed "acceptable" that we will have a better chance to "fit in" to society. And the one thing we have always had though, is knowing that "intellegence" can put us into a better position overall and make up for any lacks we may have otherwise. And we can observe this in chimpanzees where if a primate happens to create some kind of tool, he gains respect and a higher position in the group. As human beings, we all try to find that way of "gaining" and if we do find something, we can gain a sense of appreciatation and financial gain. Unfortunately, this "drive" not only works towards our gains as a species, but it also brings out the worst in humans which can cause alot of damage and human waste.

Fundamentally, however, what we all need is that "parent" and the right kind of nurturing that gives each of us a sense of "comfort and nurturing" so we can "slowly" explore ourselves and our world knowing that that "safety net" is present if we explore and get into something that we don't understand or "hurts" us. Originally we were not much different than other primates where the "young" or "offspring" was kept fairly close and safe and nurtured and watched over by the group. And each member of that group found a way to fit in. The males were to reach the age where they could develope their own group so they were often driven to set out on their own, however they did have the nurturing and time to understand how the group was able to thrive as a group. There was "always' that alpha male though, that presence that was "in charge" and "looking over all".

Well, I don't mean to give you a history lesson, but apparently what so many miss individually and as societies is "how we were originally designed to thrive". Our brains were designed to "thrive" on a certain kind of "nurturing" and with that we develope a "chemical" balance that is supposed to last each of us for however long we live. Unfortunately we have been "messing with that" and as a result, we tend to suffer some very troubling conditions in our "human psychie" that tends to "disable" many of us, so much so now that it is bringing a substantial cost to humanity overall.

Every day or probably every second a human being is born and the abilty for that human being to function and contribute and have a sense of belonging and balance will depend upon the ability of the "parent" to be able to provide the right kind of "nurturing" so that child can thrive with an overall sense of good "chemical balance" within their brain and "core". Unfortuanately, there is no real "monitoring" of how many children are born into an environment where there is actually a knowing and capable "parent" that can see to it that this child truely gets what is needed.

Hense, what you have experienced with "your" mother that was "lacking" and proved to promote this "void" that you struggle with in your core is something "too many" suffer from. And, most likely, the same challenge that your mother suffered from.

I wasn't that she didn't love you "enough" either. It was that she honestly didn't "know how" and was struggling and suffering herself. Unfortunately we have an epidemic of "bad parenting" and "lack" now in this world. The fundamental we all needed has been lost to us ALL. And we tend to look to our government to be that "safety net" that so many of us "need to feel is there that so many never had".

We are a society "saturated" with chemicals to try to make up for the fundamentals that our society is not addressing. We have so many that populate our world that are "troubled", too many. And we never even consider "who truely has the capacity and knowledge to raise a healthy child" either. No, we dismantle the "family" unit where both parents are busy "working and have careers and stesses and self fulfillment" as a focus and not truely seeing what is missing and needed in the "child" that enters that scenario.

We were designed to "want to learn" and become fulfilled. But, now we are "pushed to learn" and graded and it is often just "assumed" that as we "educate" our young and "push knowledge at them" that they will become well adjusted functional adults. We have a society now where teens are dealing with depression, and young adults in their 20's seem to think they "have to know who they are and how to take hold and function in society".
And at the same time, we have "dismantled" the family unit and not realizing how that has now been resulting in the overall "mental illness of the society we have now".

So here you are, with a core that is troubled, and rightly so. Yes, I don't doubt that you have a maturity level and intellect that differs from your piers. I don't doubt that you have a "void" that you don't quite know how to fill or understand. And I certainly would not blame you for struggling to "connect" and think you can "trust" someone to see you, know you, appreciate you the way you needed it so long ago.

So how do you "resolve this" in a way that you can finally feel more balanced? Well, that comes from learning to finally understand that your mother didn't love you the way you needed because she "didn't know how". It was truely never because you were unworthy either. To understand how the world is around you, that you are not as alone as you think you are. You live in sea of others that also have "voids" as well, who also worry and stess about their "worthiness". To understand how to look at these others and see the signs they express that show their "void" and to finally realize that you are more a part of then you think.

Open Eyes