Warning::::

I didn't get any sleep last night. So if I don't make any sense, this is why.
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So, I was in an emotionally / sometimes physically abusive relationship for 11 months, very very close to a year. Actually our year anniversary is coming up on March 3rd......... Yes, he is still bothering me, we've only been broken up for a week now. Yes, he is succeeding at making me feel extremely guilty / hopeless without him. I pray to God I don't get back with him (and I'm not very religious, so that's a huge deal ) buuuut...well..

I moved back into my parent's house. I had no where else to go, since I decided to be stupid and move in with my abusive boyfriend who showed signs of abuse 4 months into the relationship...why I stayed with him, I'll never fully understand . ANYWAYS, so...my parents are kind of upset with me. Back when I was in high school, they were extremely controlling (never allowed me to get a drivers license, job, or hang out with my friends). So, being a naive rebellious JUST TURNED 18-year-old girl, I moved out to move in with my (creepy) "soul mate" who I had dated for around 2 years at that time and was convinced I knew him. Well. After a year of not talking to my parents and being sexually / physically / emotionally abused by him for a year, I reunited with them in a hospital. With IVs in my arm and a cathidar up me (I can't spell, but if you don't get it, after taking it out it feels like you're pissing acid for a week straight)...I had alcohol poisoning...

My mother was very hesitant, father was actually very pleasant with me coming back. Anyways. I believe this had damaged my relationship with my...abusive...parents. It got worse when they forced me into culinary school (which was hilarious considering I have an eating disorder and a chemical dependency). I dropped out due to over-drinking and winding up in the hospital, getting treated for alcoholism and other manic depressive disordered traits. My parents hated me for it. They yelled at me every day while I was in there, my father even went out of his way to curse out my social worker for 2 hours straight, telling him that I was draining their insurance and spending all of their money.

I get out. Low and behold...I end up with this douche bag that I had just recently broke up with. During this relationship, I had A LOT of very very horrible arguments with my parents (which contributed to emotional dependency on my abusive boyfriend--yippee for him! he didn't even have to try ). We got in horrible arguments. HORRIBLE. Got into an argument on Christmas Eve, even (this is with my parents, just in case you're wondering). I wanted to sing Silent Night. Apparently I was being selfish. They name-called, called me "white trash" and "loser" and kicked me out where I was bawling until 6 am, where they called me to ask if I still wanted to open Christmas presents. I don't understand why I went back.

Anyways. So now I'm STUCK HERE. And the stress is already HORRIBLE. TERRIBLE. My father and my mother got in an outrageous argument that lead to my father hitting my mom and wrecking her office. (I probably also didn't mention...around 2 years ago...my father broke my mother's nose and blackened her eye. He blamed it on the alcohol. And my mother of course. And he brags about it all the time. Sick, I know.)

SO THE MORAL OF THIS STUPID STORY IS.......I've been crying on and off for 12 hours, I'm sleep-deprived, and I feel just as bad if not worse than when I was with my former abusive douche bag boyfriend. I have nowhere to go. No supportive friends that live in town. And I don't have a job.

Any advice? If not, please dear lord talk to me. I've severely depressed and stressed out.