I think the silence has hurt more than the trauma.

It's becoming more difficult to remain in that silence whereas it used to be like second nature and I would go to great lengths to protect it. Somehow inside I am not as damaged as I think I am. I am not bad, I am not disgusting and I am worth saving now. It wasn't my job to save her then. I do not have to hurt like a child anymore. I am not little. I am an adult. I am a survivor of someone elses distorted reality which was forced upon a child who didn't know. I didn't know. I am just me and it just might be ok.

This is when it starts to hurt huh. When you realize that the pain is as much his as it is yours. This is when it's ok to talk about what he did. This is when it's safe to feel; it wasn't then. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I bet he isn't as big as I remember. I know my healing lies in the "details" of what he did and being able to say it out loud. I know if I talk about them they won't be mine anymore. I'm afraid to let go.

It's safe now. Finally, it's safe now.

~Sailaway