I'm trying to just get this all straight in my head this week. my T has been sharing this book with me.reading and working out of this work book. it is a lot about brain science. last session she tried to explain some about how the brain works when a child is traumatized over and over again. kind of like how my brain is fixed to respond in particular ways when i hear,see,feel,or am in a particular situation.something like this is how my mind is programed to respond. it made me feel so hopeless like there is nothing i can do to make things any better. i swear i heard her say that that will always be that way. that we have no control over our thoughts. that cant be true . she said something about working to let things go. i do that already. if i feel the need to smash my hands through one of her windows i choose not to do so. i choose not to respond to that urge. i SIT WITH IT.know it will go away.i have not always done this .i have chosen to put my hands through the window. as the only way to deal with the thoughts ,feelings ,and fear.the only way i had to show the T what was going on. to stop the craziness. anyway she said that is exactly what she was talking about .i told her i am not that person anymore.(sometimes i am)but just because i am not putting my hands through her window does not mean that the thoughts, feelings, fear,and overwhelming anger is not still there and so,so hard to deal with. that is what i want to stop.

one moment she seems to get it and then next not so much. with that she started to talk about trauma again. it is so hard for me to sit and listen to those words. i don't want to. she says things like the mother was so horribly manipulative and neglectful. she didn't say abusive so i know now i have not told her about the physical abuse. i don't want to i can't . she starts talking like that i freak in my head and i swear i cant remember much of what she says because my mead goes on overload in trying to keep things simple and far away. no one can know that part of me and i panic and get overwhelmed with fear and thoughts. i spend forever trying to rap my brain around just one word she will say and miss everything else. i try to tell her this but when i talked my words just made no sense .i just could not get out what i wanted to say.

she never told me how to let go of stuff . she was talking some about doing that but it made no sense because i have kind of but if i cant control my thoughts how can i let them go .i know this cant be true. i am confused and i hate talking about this stuff. i don't know why .it hurts but it does .grrrrrrrrrr i want to understand what she is saying but something keeps me from that .she says it is the huge part of me that was so traumatized by the mother . i don't know it can't be that bad .i don't even hardly talk about her