I had a good visit.

I told him about my doing fine without Geodon. He asked about various things that could have happened, such as mood swings, this, that, or difficulty sleeping. None of them did happen except for the difficulty with sleeping that I had when I visited Texas for the long weekend. But that just might be my being extra sensitive to the jet lag, right? I am sleeping fine now that I am back in California. He agreed that it is just the jet lag.

Then I said "Let us go back to the drawing board". Meaning, that I wanted to be re-evaluated.

He asked me if I ever need no sleep. I said no - there have been times when I could not get enough sleep but I felt very yucky afterwards. I never enjoyed surviving on little sleep.

He then asked whether there had been times of my feeling grandiose etc. for several days at a stretch. I said "no, I have been feeling particularly high only for a few hours at a time, but not for days".

I then asked him to listen to my telling him about suicidality and irrational behavior.

So in April 1998 when I was pregnant (almost due) with Maria and my son was 5, ex wanted to break up with me over something (the story will come later). OK, so I could have said "fine, I go back to school, and I will see you in family court to determine your involvement in Maria's life". Instead, I (1) wanted to commit suicide and (2) wanted to give up both children to him. Both (1) and (2) were short-lived impulses, but still.

(1) - I was driving on a highway in the left lane, going to a store to buy a bassinet for Maria. My son was in the back of the car. At some point I wanted to speed up and crash into the next car to remove myself from the situation, but thought about my son and Maria in my tummy and wanted to save their lives. It was basically very fleeting ideation.

(2) I met ex in Feb 1997. So from Feb 1997 to April 1998 he was telling me, repeatedly and consistently, that I was basically the worst parent on the face of the planet. So I had an idea - I would give birth to Maria and leave BOTH Maria and my son to ex. Myself, I would go to Moscow and work for the Moscow office of the best international law firm whose HQ were in NYC - I had an offer from them - earning a lot of money and not spending anything because I wanted to live with my mother and grandmother and not pay rent. The idea was to give all the money to him to cover his living expenses. He refused (later on he regretted refusing). I called my father in Montreal and told him: "I am psychotic and could you please persuade him to take the children." My father said: "If you cannot live with him, it is perfectly OK, why don't you take your son and fly to Montreal to give birth here and we will take care of everything." By the way, I used the word "psychotic" without understanding what it meant and without even EVER looking it up in any dictionary. Ex called me psychotic so I repeated the word like a parrot.

I did not go to Montreal. I stayed and delivered Maria and we continued to live together.

So rationally, now... I was raising my son mostly by myself until I met ex so I had experience being a single mother. Why did it seem so catastrophic to me when ex wanted to break up with me when I was 8 months pregnant? I could have raised two children alone, or could have found another man - it was not a big deal. Why? Why choose suicide or giving up my children when I could have just said to ex: BYE?

The p-doc said two things about all that.

The fleeting suicidal impulse on the highway is something that happens to many people.

The irrational behavior, believing what ex said without doubting or questioning anything, self-sacrifices are all not bipolar but the manifestation of my dependent personality traits. That was his assessment based on the story. I told him that the psychologist who tested me came up with the same dx: dependent personality traits. So this part - dependent personality - seems pretty consistent, because Anika here, the p-doc, and Rosalie, the PhD psychologist who tested me ALL say the same thing.

To sum up, he said: "I see nothing bipolar in you, but you are medicated, so that may be why."

He offered to continue the conversation and then potentially taper off the medications, while being careful about the risk of decompensation because I should be high functioning to keep the job.

Another appointment next month!