Thank you. First I have no idea what CBT entitles or even is my therapist knows how to do it. I go in and see her and we just talk about anything with no real direction. However, last time it got into how I always had to compete with my sister and how she was always pushed to be number one in her graduation class, both in high school and college, by my parents and how I always had to follow in that. Leading up to how no mater how good I got at anything, I only got pushed into doing things for themselves (my parents). My parents pushed my sister into a lifestyle she enjoyed; I have expressed my dismay with what they had me do, they made me play baseball, basketball and hockey, I was only good at hockey, but I disliked playing sports and I told them. They still kept forcing me to go, my sister played all kinds of sports and was good at them, she also has her Gold award (girl scouts's highest honor). I did boy scouts and the last 5 years of it I disliked it a lot and wanted not to do it anymore, but I got my Eagle award to try and make them happy with me. I never felt love from them, they only cared about themselves and what they can tell others about how "good" of a job they have done. They have given me everything and may have loved me, but I never felt loved. They now know this and I can say for curtain this has happened because the school had to intervene with them when my younger sister started cutter herself. They have changed since then, knowing that not everyone can follow in my sisters strait A, valedictorian, sister who everyone, steps. Even most of my teachers, looks at and compares me and my two younger sisters to her. The little things I hear from them still tell me that there trying to love me, but I'm just not feeling it and it's the little things like their voice changes to a non compassionate tone when they say I (or we) love you. I just feel so alone in all of this and I don't know why I'm so sad.
I'm getting far off topic, I don't know if any of them know what CBT is, I think my primary care physician does because he has started asking me those kinds of things, I think.
With ECT, no, not all possible medications have been tried, in terms of how many there are out there. I have been on a SSRI Fluoxetine, it shatter me into a suicidal place. I have been on Lamotrigine (I'm getting off of it now, I don't know if it ever helped or if stopping it is making this worse), also Bupropion, Buspirone, T3 and T4 thyroid hormones. All, but he thyroid, I have been on for more than 2.25 years with no change. I don't know if switching to a different medication in the same class will do anything different. That's why I started looking outside of medication for something. I never liked being on them in the first place either.
Having a heart-to-heart with my doctors is not something I can do right now, I have lost my trust in them and I just want to get off all this dam medication that has done nothing.
I just don't know what my options are.
Again, I'm sorry for the length. Everything just hurts so much and I'm just having terrible problems keeping to together to make myself do what needs to be done. I just want to lay in bed and do nothing, but Architecture is all I have left and if I fall behind, that's that, I'm done. I already took a year off to deal with this without any progress with help from my doctors and I'm far to along to start over again. I also can't go find another therapist, not by myself, not alone.