The way my T explains it is like this...and please don't think I'm being simplistic or harsh, I'm trying to think this out with you.

Abuse happened to us. We are hurt and permanently scarred by that abuse. We have to accept what happened to us. We have to grieve what happened to us and what we lost. We have to deal with the feelings surrounding the abuse (I am still not quite certain as to how). Then we start to let it go.

I remember some of those concepts related to change in brain structure from school that your T was talking about. Those physical changes cannot heal. Usually we develop bad coping strategies to deal with all the feelings. My T says that certain urges I have will never go away. I have to learn to choose not to give into them. I asked her if it was really so simple as a choice. She said the choice would be hard at first, then become easier as we make the right choices more often. They become habit. We have to choose them over and over again. Then sometimes, our life might get stressful and some of our old habits resurface because we are stressed and make unhealthy choices. Then we might return to a T, or get a loved one to help us get back on track.

I don't know if this makes any sense at all. I'll re-read this in the morning (well, later in the morning as it's 2:30 am), but your post and desire to understand really resonated with me and I want to help, Granite.