I have recently become aware of the phenomenon of "transference" and realised that I have had many instances of this in my life. I have just gone though a divorce and have been seeing someone professionally for a little while. As per usual (or at least I now realise its a "usual" behaviour of mine") I now have feelings of transference for my counsellor. In the past, I have experienced this with counsellors and friends alike. Anyone that shows me the attention I crave in times of need, I develop these feelings for. And I have only just realised this is what I do.

I am perfectly aware of the "illusion" and harbour no unrealistic thoughts about any love life, so to speak, between myself and my therapist. But I am finding myself in a situation where my recent lost love of 12 years, is simple replaced by this feeling of transference, or "being in love" with an inappropriate candidate.

When I read up about transference and how to best "deal" with it, I read a lot about sharing those feelings with your counsellor, so you can unearth the reasons behind your behaviour and work through them. Sounds wonderful and makes sense. The issue I have with that, is the the person that is counselling me is someone I have known for a while. I wouldn't say we were friends when I started, but we were "business related " if you will. Consequently, the relationship was never strictly professional and through it all, a friendship has started to develop too. The friendship was developing before I started seeing her professionally and as a result, I am no longer comfortable to discuss my feelings of transference with her.

I am weighing up what is more important to me, the professional or the personal relationship. Her sessions have been invaluable to me in the last few months, and after as little as a few months, I feel I have wings to fly again. I know my feelings will pass, they always have, and I would probably loose more then I would gain by sharing it with her. I guess its my recent realisation there is a word for my current and past behaviour, called transference, that would explain a lot of my behaviours that make me think about how to handle my most recent occurrence.

I am well aware I am going to get a lot of responses from people saying either she has behaved inappropriately by allowing a friendship to develop, or I have chosen the wrong therapist in the first place, as I already knew her on a moderately social level. It's my own personal choice to not want to work with someone who is totally detached. I find it close to impossible to "show myself" to someone who does not reciprocate. It is the mutual exchange that allowed me to open up and created the space for me to work on several "outstanding issues" in the first place. I am eternally grateful for the progress I made as a result. The transference is a by-product now and one I am not sure how to approach.

Criticism and suggestions are welcome I guess