Hi twiks,

I understand your feeling of wanting more friends in real life. I have few friends, dont go out many places, wonder what I should do on those special days like holidays and birthdays. I work a lot right now so even if I had those friends, I wouldnt have time to put into doing things with them.

Health care is expensive, Im like you, no insurance right now, thankfully I found work with a better income and I should be able to buy a plan in the near future.

Ive used alcohol to numb myself, it let me laugh when otherwise laughing was impossible. Unfortunately it also has its dark side and I wouldnt recommend it as any form of treatment. You mentioned you know that tho. For me, while it let me lose my inhibitions for 4 or 5 hours, I also paid for it with stupid things Id do while I had that wonderful free to be me feeling.

Eating healthier food isnt as hard for me. Depends on how healthy you're talking about tho. I was raised on beef and potatoes. Thats the only thing that seems like real food to me. But now I add fruits like you mentioned and I drink protein supplements with vitamins just to make myself feel like Im doing something better for myself than I used to. I think buying these things and taking them help me to feel that Im on a track to better health. It helps me in creating positive thoughts and a plan for myself to do whats good over whats unhealthy, not only in food, but in action and thought. Kind of defeats the purpose to take a vitamin then follow it with a 12 pack and cigarettes. Its kinda like not littering when you want a cleaner neighborhood.

There are people in my real life I can turn to, Im grateful for that now. In the past I felt very alone in this world tho. Its not as easy as saying it was just a state of mind but in many ways it was. The same people I thought werent there then really were, I just didnt know how to reach them. I didnt know they too felt alone and isolated and sad sometimes cause I was just too scared to reach past my own walls to find out.

One thing I appreciate about online friendships is this ability to open up more quickly than in real life. Its taught me that Im not alone, that its ok to be down at times and it feels safer communicating with them this way. Slowly my confidence has built and I can talk with people in real life about less important things cause the important things can be covered here. I will continue to transfer my online confidence to the real world and one day I will be able to be completely open in the real world.

If youve ever had real life friendships you remember that it takes awhile for them to grow, that its touch and go in the beginning, that not every person turned out to be a close friend. Its harder when youre depressed. Any rejection feels total. Give yourself time tho.