I've been working a lot lately just to keep myself busy. I hate my job, but I hate sitting at home feeling like this more so I'd rather just go to work. Even though that hasn't even been helping lately, used to be able to keep myself busy enough there that I wouldn't think about all of this stuff, but it hasn't been working anymore. Plus it doesn't help when you get 3-4 co-workers coming up to every night to ask what's wrong with you because I haven't been acting like my "normal self" lately. But when I don't work extra I only work 4 days a week, which leaves me 3 days to sit at home alone.

I can't afford insurance through where I work because it's ridiculously over-priced. I can't even afford the monthly premium, then I'd have to pay a $5000 deductible before they will cover any expenses. Stupidest insurance plan I've ever seen in my life.

Alcohol doesn't really do that to me. I don't laugh or do anything stupid because I'm just sitting at home drinking it. I don't go out and do it.

I don't really have anyone in my life that I can turn to. Talked to my mom about it and she just doesn't get it. Just told me to get over it and get on with my life. The only person I've been able to talk to that was any help was my ex-wife. I don't know what made me tell her about any of it but we had a couple of really good conversations for a few days. But she has a new boyfriend now so anytime I try to talk to her I just get ignored or she acts like I'm bothering her. So I've just decided to leave her alone and quit trying to get help from her.

I've had real life friendships, but they were all with people that I met in elementary school. I had the same group of 5-10 friends from 2nd grade through graduation. I honestly don't think I've made a new friend in probably 15 years. But that group has all moved on with their lives. Married, kids, live on the other side of the country. All far too busy to do so much as return a phone call anymore. I had other "temporary friends" for the 5 years that I was married, but they all just put up with me because they were friends with my wife. Never heard from 1 of them after we split up.

I don't even know how to make friends anymore. It's easy when you're a kid, figured it still would be....it's not though. I've come to accept the fact that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, I mean...I can't stand myself so why the hell would anyone else want anything to do with me? And honestly, being single for the rest of my life wouldn't bother me. Been that way for the majority of my life so far so it's not a big deal. I'd just like to have a friend. Never thought having 1 friend would be too much to ask for, but apparently it is.