(TRIGGER)

How's that for a BPD thread title?

It's been 3 weeks since my T terminated me. Thursday nite I spent over 4 hours writing him a 5-page letter. There were some still unresolved issues and I needed to let him know how my life has spiraled down in in the last two months since he called the police on me. It felt very cathartic. It was not an angry diatribe. I owned up to the BPD traits wherever I thought they were showing. I dropped it off yesterday afternoon, and left him a voicemail that I had and I know he was there so I know he got it. And I know he works a half day on Saturday. I really tried not to have any expectations, really I did, but I was still disappointed he didn't call.

And then I was supposed to get up this morning and go to a volunteer orientation at the SPCA. Something I really need to do for myself, and I couldn't get out of bed. Just couldn't do it, and now I'm totally beating myself up over it. There'll be another one, but I don't know when.

I got out of bed at 3:15pm. No reason, no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed. I cut myself this week, I tried to get in contact with my xT from years ago and was shunned by her. It's been a ****** two months with no breaks. I was planning on this week being my last and then I was finally successful at getting some T's to meet with me. I have 3 appts next week. So I give myself another week to live, and if none of them work out, well, I've had it, people. I'm done with this cold, cruel, intolerable, hurtful world we live in. I know that sounds like a lot of BPD drama, but who would understand better than you all?