When I wrote my post, I had no idea it would attract so much attention. In fact, I'm a little uncomfortable with how much attention it has generated; I've never wanted to be involved in a disagreement/debate on PC. I'm honestly a little surprised that some posters have seemed to take offense at what I wrote. It was my intention to be helpful to Rainbow. I feel as though she and I have posted back and forth to each other a bit over the years, and it's always felt productive to me. I don't know her perspective (unless/until she chooses to share it!), but I really didn't (and still don't) think she would find what I wrote offensive or argumentative. Am I wrong?

Anyway, since what I wrote has spawned so many subsequent posts, I felt as though I should attempt to clarify what I meant in my original post. In retrospect, perhaps I should have made it clear that my post merely reflects my interpretation of everything Rainbow has shared, not only in this thread but but in many threads, over many years. Since Rainbow has indicated, over a period of time, that her H feels unhappy, frustrated and jealous about the amount of time and energy she puts into her T, it seems logical to me that what her H may really upset about is not the money or the length of the session, but the lack of emotional investment that she is putting into him/their relationship/their family. I don't know if Rainbow's H is still in love with her or not, but it seems as though he is still (at least somewhat) invested in their marriage if he has made the decision to stay and he is bothered by what he perceives as her giving T more attention/thought than she gives him. If he were totally checked out, why would he care if Rainbow was spending her emotional energy on her T? I could be wrong, but from how Rainbow explained it, it seems to me that her H wants more of her time and attention. It seems that Rainbow has made an improvement by giving her H hugs, but maybe there are other ways to improve too, like being more "in the moment" with each other. Sometimes, we can do all the tangible "things" for or with someone, but it's that lack of feeling emotionally connected/available/present that the other person wants from us. Is this the case with Rainbow? I don't know, but it was one possibility that jumped out at me. In my original post, my intention was not to TELL rainbow anything; it was to suggest some possibilities that I thought might fit, based on how I interpreted the situation. I think the way Sally Brown explained things is very clear, and I agree with her interpretation of the situation. In many ways, I think she stated some of the same observations I did, without my "flowery" language. And, while my language may have been a bit "flowery," I don't think the argument I was making was unrealistic. I was not saying that a relationship can always be saved or that relationships are always peachy; rather, I was saying that a spouse usually wants to FEEL as though they are getting the majority of their spouse's emotional investment and that they often feel hurt when they see that emotional attention being taken away and invested in someone or something else. I've been on both sides of that situation in the past, and it was very difficult, and left us both unhappy. While I am now in a good relationship with someone new, I don't think that experience is clouding my present judgment. I spent too long in an unhappy relationship in order to be swept up by the first good one that comes my way! It's great right now, but I also know how difficult relationships can be and how much work it takes to maintain a successful one. The last thing I said in my most is something that I believe about therapy in general: that, when therapy is working, it will give you the tools necessary to become more successful in your RL interpersonal relationships. I believe that the goal of therapy is to learn how to direct the lessons you learn in T outwards, so that they can enhance your RL. Sometimes, it will be the case that those in your RL do not have the capacity to change with you, causing a rift in the relationship or causing the relationship to end. However, in many relationships, when we become healthier, we will start recognizing how our old patterns did not work, try out new approaches, become more giving, become better listeners, become more emotionally available, become more present, etc-- thereby becoming better partners/friends/family members. Thus, by changing ourselves (since we cannot change anyone else), we can often improve our relationships. It's NOT easy, but sometimes, the other person will eventually start to meet us half-way (or at least part of the way). Personally, I have had that experience with my dad and my sister. I changed first, I tried to better meet their needs, I listened to their perspective, I was patient, and eventually, they began to slowly come around. I do think change can be possible. I also think that, sometimes, we are in the wrong relationships. But, if we make the decision to stay, I think it makes sense to try and get the most out of the relationship we're in because, often, we can find a way to be less unhappy.

I know Rainbow said, at one point, that she was disappointed that her H was not willing to get his own therapy and cited that as his resistance to working on their marriage/changing himself. That may be true. He may be unwilling to change. I don't know. However, one alternate possibility is that he is resistant to therapy because he does not think (from his perspective) that it is helping Rainbow and therefore, he does not think it will help him or them as a couple. It seems that, from his perspective, therapy is what is hurting their relationship by taking Rainbow's focus away from him/the family, and placing it on T. If he perceives that therapy HURTS his relationship, it would make sense that he would be unwilling to try out more therapy. I'm not suggesting that I AGREE with his refusal to try therapy. Obviously, I'm in therapy and, quite frankly, I think therapy would help just about anyone. I think it would probably be great if he tried therapy. All I'm saying is that his refusal to do therapy himself might not be grounded in his lack of desire to work on the marriage or on himself; it might be a reaction to the way he feels about Rainbow's therapy. Maybe it would be helpful for Rainbow to ask him if he WANTS to work on their marriage, and if he is open to changing some of his behaviors? It would be possible for him to work on some things by himself, without the help of a therapist. Or, it might be helpful to know if he simply is not interested in doing anything differently. Or, if he is interested, maybe they could each agree to do one thing differently, to start? Sometimes, compromises and showing effort can help improve a relationship. Or, maybe the case is that Rainbow is uninterested in working on the relationship because she no longer loves her H? I don't know. I'm just throwing things out there. I suppose that is the kind of feedback I give on PC and in RL because that is the kind of feedback that I appreciate myself. When I write a post or when I talk to my friends, I don't want the kind of "pat on the back" support that some others do. I appreciate honesty, alternative insights, questions, and ideas. For me, I view "support" as people supporting me to be the best version of myself that I can be. I'm here and I'm in therapy because I want to grow, and I want people to help me, challenge me, encourage me, and support me in that journey.