The psychotherapy forum on PC.

True. I didn't feel they were at the time, but sometimes I need the feedback of others to help me see where I am being selfish or manipulative. T and H have been helping me to learn how to be aware of my selfishness and manipulativeness. I feel like I have a block in those areas and I want to remove that block. At least now I am more aware of it so I can take steps to stop these behaviors.

Off and on for hours until I started my new position at work. It is very stressful for me, but I am determined to succeed. It is difficult for me to balance my job, my marriage, my RL friendships, my therapy process, and online friendships.

I knew it was becoming an issue for me again because I did not complete a work assignment yesterday because I was obsessing about an occurrence here.

Begging was too strong a word, so I edited my original post. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I was exaggerating and I realize that can come across as manipulative.

Thank you, Sunrise, for the unbiased opinion and for helping me see some of my behaviors so I can change them.

2. I don't see any changes, but I may not be looking at the right threads to see this. If you are talking about couch related stuff, I don't participate there although I sometimes read some of it, but am usually lost to some extent. I can't recall ever seeing personal disagreements appear there, but maybe something just blew up and it might be best to let it blow over rather than trying to deconstruct and intellectualize it. I had something that may have been like this appear in one of my RL support networks, someone "quit" and then there was all this gossip and then people started acting like there were "sides" and you could be friends with X or the group, or the group but not X. I just ignored it and continued to be friends with X and hang out with the group, and eventually it has worked itself out.

So I guess I would say that maybe the feedback you've been given is useful to consider, but maybe you are making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. Like, for example, sometimes people take just one post in the wrong way and then it blows back and the other person overreacts. Maybe one thing to consider is whether you can drop this quest for information and just go back to participating in whatever way you feel comfortable.

3. You have not offended me. I know that you didn't agree with some of what I have written to you in some past threads (some we might have agreed), but I haven't felt that you have ever been offensive at the lack of agreement. I feel you are willing to listen to others even if you don't agree, and you don't seem to get bent out of shape about stuff in general. So I am puzzled about what's going on now. Perhaps it is just a simple misunderstanding that went nuclear.[/QUOTE]

Anne, you are also really helping me to work on changing. The first clue that something is wrong with my behavior is that I keep trying to dissociate while answering your post in more detail. That means it is hard for me to deal with, which tells me I need to work on it. The second clue something is wrong is based on what you have said, I am taking time to look critically at my behavior and I'm finding things that make me feel uncomfortable. Once again, if it is difficult to face, then it is something I need to work on.

I am obsessing on the issue. I don't know how to "fit back in" to the couch, especially when I'm feeling shame due to my behavior. I'm afraid this will happen IRL (particularly at work) and I won't know what to do. Maybe if I can practice here, then I'll be able to handle similar issues IRL.

It was really not my conscious intention to manipulate, but your viewpoint helps me to see that it was. I have edited my post. I was asking for feedback because I am truly confused as to whether I am coming across selfish, manipulative, or attention-seeking.

I understand. I'm also taking myself out for my own benefit, but that feels selfish to me. I may be trying to overcompensate for my perceived selfishness when I'm just trying to take care of myself.

Example from RL:

Last weekend I was administrator on-call for work. Early Monday morning, I missed a call from an employee calling out sick. While I'm on-call, it is my responsibility to find coverage for the shift. When I realized I'd missed the call, I called the employee, the shift coordinator, my assistant (who handles my coverage during the week), and my boss...apologizing profusely for what I'd done. I beat myself up for it all day Monday. When I relayed this information to T, she asked me why I felt like I needed to beat myself up and apologize profusely for what had occurred. I managed to evade the question because I didn't want to examine that. She persisted and I told her because I feel like I shouldn't make mistakes that hurt others. She kept persisting because she knew that wasn't the whole truth. I told her that I felt like a failure. I'd failed my staff and I'd failed my clients. Failures need to be punished. She reminded me that a mistake is not failure. I am human and I am allowed to make mistakes. Everyone does. She said all I needed to do was apologize once (to whoever I felt deserved an apology), accept whatever consequences come (there were none, thus the urge to punish myself), and move on. It is not more complicated than that. She urged me to advocate for myself to take time off. I was also harboring resentment because my boss has been delaying my performance evaluation, to which is a raise is based on.

So, when I talked to my boss, he showed me ways that I am not taking care of myself right now. I am trying to do everything at once when I have plenty of time to finish said things. I am not taking charge and teaching my employees when to call and not call me. He told me when the staff called me after midnight Thursday night, I should have said, "Thanks for the information, but that is something I no longer need to be notified of at this hour." I told him I was not sleeping well. I also mentioned that even though I am eating less (skipping meals sometimes), my weight remains the same. Paradoxically, my waist is getting larger; I have gone from size 14 pants to 18 in two months time. What I am eating is not healthy and I am drinking a bucketload of soda.

He told me I could have time off, just not to take it within the next two weeks because our nurse was taking the next two weeks. He told me to find somewhere to go, away from our local area, even if it is nearby. He said to stop drinking so much soda, eat healthily, and try to exercise. Most importantly, he told me to own my new position. That he wouldn't have given it to me if he thought I was going to fail. Make my own decisions; fail honestly if that's what happens.

That last part was the most important. I respect my boss and he respects me. He believes in me, wants me to succeed, and empowers me by letting me run things on my terms. He shows that same respect for everyone. My old boss couldn't do that and people failed under her.

I digress...

I have been unnerved by the situation. I'm wondering if a deeper issue (within me) is hiding behind it. I want to make amends, but sometimes there are no amends to make. I've already apologized. Now I need to figure out how to move on.

Thanks again, Anne.