The only thing I ever wanted, from the age of 5, was an acting career. I got one started in 1978. On October 10, 1978 I stood on a soundstage for the first time in my life as a professional actress. I was 28 years old. That was 28 years ago – that means that half my life ago I realized my dream. I was so thrilled and proud to be there. I actually believed that I would always do that. “Actors never have to retire,” I used to say. Little did I know it would only last 14 years and be destroyed. Since then I’ve been a hollow shell of a person. No passion. No direction. No dream. Lost.

Tomorrow I will mourn.

It’s like my other (later) dream of living in the country. I’ve always envied people who lived in the country. (I grew up in a ghetto) Ten years ago (late July of 1996) I was able to pack up the car and leave California – I thought it was for good. I only lasted for 6 months in a cabin in the woods in upstate New York. Money ran out, there was no work. I had no family and nowhere to go. I got a call from someone here in L.A., asking me to come back and take a job he said he was going to have for me. I had to. I had nowhere else to go, only enough money to make one move, and my stuff was still in storage in L.A. VERY reluctantly, I drove back from New York, crying all the way. I HATED the idea of coming back here, but there weren’t a lot of other options, at the time. I spent every cent getting back here, got an apartment, called the guy who asked me to come back and was told that the job had fallen through. I spent the next 3 years destitute. There was no work here, either.

I should learn my lesson and forget about dreaming. I’ve had no dream, no passion for years now. I feel empty, lost and miserable. But at least I’m not realizing a dream only to have it shot out from under me.

Dreams suck. No wonder I haven’t found another one.

I think I’ll mourn longer than just tomorrow…