Quote:
Originally Posted by healed84
Ok.. I am going to be honest in this thread, I hope I don't come off as a terrible person.
About 6 years ago I had an "emotional affair" with another person ( a woman, actually) The most we did physically was make out.. Phew.. that is hard to admit. H knew that this woman had feeling sfor me and that we spend a lot of time talking to each other, but he does not know that we ever kissed or that I reciprocated those feelings back for her. We were talking about feelings in T session today. He said, I shouldn't feel bad about having those feelings, we can't control those.. What we can control is what we do with those feelings i.e. the kissing part..
Do you agree with this? I would think as a married woman I should have been more careful not to let those feelings ever happen. Like, once I learned she had feelings for me I should have distanced myself from her, in order to protect my marriage. T seems to think, feelings happen and not to feel bad about those.
What say ye? Are feeling something we control?? Or do they just happen.
|
You should definitely feel good about yourself for admitting this. As others have said, feelings are so important to look at and think about, and what happened already happened and you're not defending it or something like that, so I see no need to think you a horrible person.
Emotional affairs are real and are really hard to deal with. Being married doesn't mean you shut off your sexual impulses. Actually I read somewhere that couples that acknowledge that they are both human and both vulnerable to infidelity and take measures to prevent it, do better than those that believe they'll never cheat because they love the other person. The thing is, loving another person doesn't clean up all the messiness of our own personal emotional life. Which is pretty much exactly what your T said -- be prepared for the emotions by planning on a productive behavior should they emerge.
You probably remember I've been there and done that. Didn't feel good about it, still don't, but that I did it said a lot of things about me that I really needed to deal with and not hide from. And even after that, I am still sometimes attracted to other people. It doesn't end, despite the fact that I love my H more than I can think about sometimes.
So I do what MKAC does. I limit my contact with guys I find I have some chemistry with. If it's someone I work with, I don't become friends with them, just stay friendly and professional. I have zero intention of cheating, but I had zero intention of cheating before, too. Now I just accept that I can be vulnerable and that I have these feelings sometimes, and what matters is what I do with those feelings and how I safeguard against that vulnerability.