I do the shutdown thing, too. It has helped me to think of the painful parts of therapy as some kind of warped running training program. T and I both will push me, sometimes past what I can tolerate, and I shut down--I think of it like getting shin splints or a muscle pull. So I slow down, walk for a while, even take a break from training and we build up my resources again. Then we try to race, and maybe I go a little farther before I get the pain. It's rough, but at least for me it's how the cycle works. I always overshoot the "therapeutic window," it's a very small opening in my case I think!

I am sorry you are feeling so ashamed. I know what that's like. I hope your session tomorrow makes you feel connected and okay again with T.