I am a 32 year old woman. I was first diagnosed with Depression at 16 years of age. I took anti-depressants for 14 years; they never really helped.

I am not taking any anti-depressants now (have not for 2 years) and I feel pretty much the same as I always have (minus the terrible side-effects of the anti-depressants).

If good things happen in my life, my mood gets better. But it's usually temporary. After the "goodness" dissipates, I fall back into the same pattern of self-hatred.

I just continuously tell myself, everyday, that I am worthless, that everything I do fails, that I am a failure, that I should just kill myself, that life is not worth the pain, that I am "bad" etc etc etc...

At the same time that I am really tired of this negativity, I think that it somehow defines me, that I wouldn't know what to do with myself in its absence.

I have tried antidepressants, years and years of therapy, buddhist meditation, regular exercise, everything! But I *always* fall back into the same patterns of self-sabotage and self-loathing. I prevent myself from accomplishing my goals, I sabotage my relationships-- it seems like I am my worst enemy.

I am so tired of it.

Is there hope? Are there any *chronically* depressed people out there that managed to break free and have a "normal" fulfilling life?

If so, what's the secret?