Depression is said to be anger turned inwards. You can't effectively attack the people you are angry at, so all those negative feelings are directed at yourself.

I think it will take you some help to get through he initial phase of the process. You don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling that anger. Whether or not you are able to re-establish your relationship with your father is something you will have to decide on further down the road.

One of my concerns is that you have witnessed your mother's abuse by your father, and that may carry over into your own relationships with men. It doesn't always happen, and you might not see it coming, but its common enough to cause concern.

Your lack of trust might well carry over into your relationship with your boyfriend at some point, and you don't want that. Carrying all that anger and distrust around inside is only going to make trouble down the line. Please try to find a good therapist and be honest with them. This is something you can overcome, but may well need help doing so. Therapy isn't easy, but its much better than the alternative.

sam2