The need you have will remain until worked through. I'm afraid avoidence isn't change. I'd just carry on working in therapy and doing whatever you need to do to satisfy the need.

I think it's really important to distinguish between behavior and a person. All of us can act selfishly, or with manipulation, or be hard headed, or disagree badly. That doesn't make us those kinds of people.

I think you said in your reply up there that you don't know how to move on when you feel ashamed of something you've done. This seems to me to be really key. As you said, you don't want to walk about in the world avoiding relationships or situations where you have made a mistake. It's important to figure out how to move on. What do you think would happen if you went back to the couch thread and posted that you were sincere in the apology and you are trying to move on, and then say whatever it is that you want to post? I think that the people there would support you in this. It does mean taking a risk and making a leap. But you have that courage.

I think the other important thing to remember is that most of us default to our old patterns of responding, both emotionally and behaviorally, when we're scared. So when you got unnerved, the reaction you're feeling and the things that have flowed from that have probably been more a reflex and a reaction rather than a product of your deliberate and conscious choice. Be kind to yourself about this, as we all fall through that trap door. But when you get some distance from it, you can be reflective rather than reflexive. That is how to move forward-- I don't think the behavior itself is as important as the driving force underneath. It doesn't so much matter what you do, but do it consciously, deliberately, without being gripped by your past patterns.