Thank you dear Gismo and thank you manicminer.
I tried God as a teenager. My father was a Lay preacher and youth leader for a while, so I was involved with the church until my dad ran off with a girl from the youth club. Good old dad.
I don't think either God or the Devil wanted me. I offered myself to both but they never listened.
My twitter intro says it all really ....

God made me beautiful,
the Devil made me bad,
sometimes I am happy
sometimes f****** mad!

Living each day to the full is something I don't get at all. I see and watch other people laughing and being happy and just don't understand it. How are people happy? I have never understood it. I have moments, but only when manic, and it is so mixed up with the bad stuff and the madness, it does not count. I am not depressed. Just down.
No one has the answer.
What is the point of life if you don't bring happiness in the real world. What is the point if you can't live a full life and be joyful.
What if you don't actually really feel enjoyment, that you have to pretend, put on a face, say what is expected from you so that people don't think you are strange?
How do people feel happiness, contentment, love and just be normal?
I don't want death, I would just like life.