Big warning: Might be triggering for people who don't dissociate as much as I do.

...

Wondering... For others with suicidal ideation. Do you long for annihilation? None of my acquaintances who share suicidal thoughts understand this feeling I have - the one where I want to be erased from existence completely. Past, present, and future. I don't want anyone to remember me. I don't want anything to exist of me. I want to be so thoroughly obliterated that it's as if I never existed at all. Sometimes when my thoughts are racing and I can't track down how I feel, it's the only thought that gives me peace. The idea of becoming nothing.

I don't feel that way presently, but I can sense it in me, always, like a string that just needs to be plucked to be heard again.