Hi Everyone,

I'm the lucky Mom of 4 great kids- three sons ages 16, 13, and 12 and an 8 year old daughter. I grew up in an alcoholic family where emotional and verbal abuse was a daily must. I received some physical abuse as well. I had my first depressed episode around 11. I remember sleeping constantly and just wanting to sleep forever. I have always had anger issues I have blamed on my childhood.

A few years ago I wanted to go back to school and went to an ADHD center to see if that was part of why I have struggled forever holding a good job (boredom KILLS ME) and forgetting/procrastination is crippling at times. I ran a family childcare for 12 years until deciding to pursue other interests. The stress of childcare was too much for me. The center diagnosed me with inattentive type having 6 of the 9 markers. Depression as well but I already new that. Anxiety has been a huge issue was well and I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder years ago.

I took Paxil cr for years when my sons were small as I was in a very bad marriage and it kept me functional, but I felt shut off. 6 years ago I lost my only sibling to an accidental drug overdose, and my father to cancer 4 months later. My grandmother died 7 months after that and my Moms boyfriend of 8 years died a year later. Fast forward another year and my cousin hung himself in my Moms barn- I was on the phone with her when she found him. I have had a really hard time dealing with everything while trying to raise 4 kids.

A year after my brother passed I left their father, it was a toxic marriage from the beginning and I was barely functioning. I needed to know that if I survived my brothers death I would one day find happiness.

I stopped taking the Paxil that kept me alive the last 6 years and I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life! I was FREE, I had a future..... I saw hope. I met the man of my dreams and fell in love. I lived happily ever.......... yeah well no not really.

I did fall in love, and we are engaged to be married after being together for 5 years. The problem, is I am depressed. I dont mean I get depressed for the day but I am cant get out of bed and function for days depressed. I do, because I have kids and I have no choice. I also get VERY angry and will go from depressed to flying off the handle angry because I am so frustrated I am struggling so much. My fiance works for his father and has it made. I work but have to take time off constantly due to the kids. Either appts, school vacations or snow days etc. I am at the mercy of others and I can't figure out how to handle everything anymore. I have ruined many many relationships over the years due to my anger. I have always blamed it on my childhood, or the fact my ex does nothing to help. I blame my adhd. I hate it, I hate not feeling like everyone else. I hate knowing I am broken in some way because it doesnt matter whats happening in my life really, I went on vacation to Florida recently and was near fetal all week. I ahve moments when I am capable of juggling a million things and I do it very well. I have scammed everyone around me thinking I am incredible. I am very very good at playing the game when I choose too. I can convince people of anything I want. Its incredible too me. But in the end I cant keep everything going, I get worn out and I crash. I have always wanted to change the world for the better, but now I just want to change me to be like everyone else.

I had a breakdown a few weeks ago, it started months ago when i found my fiance was texting and claling a lady he works with what I felt was "excessive". I became incredibly paranoid and convinced he was cheating on me. I started watching our phone bill to see when he talked to her. I blew up at him and he said it was all work related. I refused to believe him but finally let it drop. I noticed she started again last month and I lost it. I was struggling to help my ADHD son with his mountain of school work, my other son who has issues at school with bullying and depression and my oldest who uses drugs.

I snapped, I feel like a complete failure at everything. I wanted to die and I told him that and my mother. Mind you I have said this before but apparently I must have had a different tone because they freaked. I talked them down and called my therapist I hadnt seen in months.

While seeing her I asked if it was normal to get that angry, she said yes its a good sign I am getting in touch with my feelings seeing I never had, but she said she felt knowing my history that I may very well have bipolar disorder. I froze......... because that seems like an entirely different thing than my other labels. I came home and told my Mom and she said yes her boyfriend who was 9 credits short from his masters in psych and saw me that day I lost it felt that was what was going on as well.

SO..... I started reading about it and the more I read the more terrified and depressed I get. Yes I have a huge history of depressive episodes. I have zero I am so happy it hurts and feel like I am invincible, but I have a horrendous history with money and buying ridiculous amounts of things I love when I know I cant afford it. I buy the kids stuff even though I shouldn't at times but I blame that on my childhood and growing up poor and not wanting them to feel left out like I always did. I started taking my Zoloft again last week after the breakdown, because they were freaking out. I HATE it, it makes me feel like a zombie. I have no emotions except depression. I have zero motivation even though I take adderall daily for the adhd ( which btw was LIFE changing at first) Now the adderall doesnt seem to help as much.

So, I ask all of you brilliant people....... do you think I have bipolar even though I don't have the happy I love myself and life manic/ But the irritability/anger manic? And if so why CANT half of my time at least be happy? I am so angry I may actually be really really this sick and delusional that I have lived 40 years blind to how bad I really am. I am terrified of destroying my kids, because I think I am half of their issues already. I am angry I have on paper a beautiful life but my brain refuses to accept that and be grateful, because I really want to be happy. I want to feel happy. I would do anything to wake up and feel optimistic and thrilled to start a new day. I wake up every day alive. Thats about it.

Thanks, I am sorry this is so dreadfully long. Its a lot to get out.

Adderall XR 40mg, adderall 10mg, zoloft 50mg,

PS: I have been reading about bipolar meds- frankly it terrifies me more than the disorder.