Alright. Where to begin here. Hopefully at least one person will look and read this gargantuan post. I say that now because I assume it will be . I don't know if this is where I should be writing, if this is even what I should be writing about, and have no clue where to start.

I stumbled upon something within myself today that I never realized was a really big problem and I'm not at all sure how or why it exists within me. This deserves a little back story to understand. I've been talking to this girl daily for about a week and I think she's fantastic, and I have talk to her literally for over 5 hours each day. It's fair to say that I really enjoy our conversations and really appreciate her personality.

Last night we were having a conversation that suddenly went from fantastic to a pile of garbage in the pit of a crevasse in a matter of seconds due to one innocuous statement. My memory is absolutely awful so hopefully she'll forgive this but it was something to the effect of "Well what if I just stopped talking to you"? said completely in jest. I immediately just was overcome with butterflies and a sickening feeling in my stomach. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened but it is the first time since joining the site again where I could possibly talk about it and maybe get some helpful insight into what I can do to figure out what the issue is.

Clearly I have a fear of emotional abandonment and it's frustrating that I don't know where that stems from. I grew up in a perfect home, with a perfect family, have great extended families etc and have never experienced a death of anyone close. I'm 28 now so I think it's a statistical improbability that by this time in my life I wouldn't have experienced death but the point is I've never really suffered in that regard and would have assumed that's the only way I possible could have ever felt abandoned by someone. I guess I'm wondering how to I go about trying to figure this insane fear of losing someone close via choice, death, or something else that I can't remember ever happening to establish that sort of fear. I'm just spewing utter trash here so let me simplify it.

With seemingly no clear picture of someone abandoning me, why was I so afraid when she said that? Why did it make me feel sick inside? Why do I always worry that girls I've just started talking to are going to become rapidly disinterested.

This is a stupid post and I don't know what I'm trying to communicate sorry.