Thanks for the support. I was pretty scared about posting my first post. I will look for that icon if I start any more threads - thanks.

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biplol said:

How long ago all this happened?
Do you have children?
I'm asking because those are the 2 things that to me help me make a blaance of where you are and maybe where you want to be.

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My boyfriend died 6 years ago. I had to stop working as a RN a year preceding his death when he came to the hospital where I worked as a RN for 15 years. He threatened to kill me in the lobby of the hospital and I flipped out. Work had become my safe place where life was normal. On that day I realized I was not safe anywhere and could not think clearly and had to stop working. I am now on disability for mental illness. I miss work so much. I want to go back but I am not ready. During the first 3 years after his death I slept 12-14 hrs/day to avoid the pain.

I have one son, now 17 y/o. He was 11 when his step-dad died. My boyfriend loved my son very much and never abused him, only me. He would drag me into another room where my son could not watch. But he heard things and I think he has been affected. In the past 3 years my son has began acting out by threatening homocide (mostly his dead-beat biological dad that he has a poor relationship with). He has stabbed the walls with a knive, broken lots of things, and twice has physically attacked people. He has been hospitalized 3 times for bipolar/ADHD.
I love my son but he is a handful. Sometimes when he acts out I begin having flashbacks to my abuse and am unable to react. I just go to my room with the lights off or go to the barn to see my horse.

Where I am: Happy to be alive. Yet I still think every day I live may be my last. Even though the threat of my boyfriend is gone I know there are other people like him still in the world. Paranoid or real threat?
I have 2 friends where I live that I see maybe once a month and several internet friends who share my addiction to model horses. I am not lonely. I enjoy being by myself. I like the peace.
I named my farm "Almost Paradise Farm". Because >99% of what I have experienced here has been wonderful. Had my boyfriend not flipped out it would have been paradise.

Where I want to be: I want to go back to work as a RN. Write a book for kids or write for a nursing journal. I would like to have a few more friends but have no interest in romance.
Would like to be more responsible with my finances - I spend way too much on model horses and let bills go. I was looking for help with that problem when I found this board.