Hi everyone. I am in my mid-20s and have been having EDs for almost 3 years now. It started with me wanting to drop some weight that I had gained on holiday. Then I liked seeing my weight fall and fall so I went on till even I started to worry about myself. I have always been a slender female, some might even say skinny. But of course since the ED started, I definitely look skinny instead of slim.
I know that I am thin. But I find faults with my mid section. I say it's too round/flabby/big/whatever, you get the idea.

The ED has changed and morphed over the 3 years. What started out as restricting became restricting/purging, then restricting/bingeing/purging/, then bingeing/purging, the just bingeing and so on. My life and my thoughts are ruled by calorie counts, what I can/should eat at what time, whether I feel bad about what I had, whether I deserve to eat a certain thing etc. I actually like food a lot but it takes up too much space in my brain.

I saw a psychologist who felt that I have a combination of anorexia/bulimia/binge-eating syndrome. She referred me to an ED treatment centre but I got turned away by them because they couldn't provide me treatment in English (I live in a European country) and they referred me to another psychologist.

I have been to see the psychologist twice. I haven't decided if I will continue my treatment with her because it costs a lot and I know it will take more than a few months of therapy to recover from this. She diagnosed me as anorexic.

I have been struggling to accept that since she said that a week ago. I feel that I can't be anorexic because I EAT. I may not always eat enough, but I always eat. I get anxious and nervous about eating out, but I don't avoid it. I eat pints of Ben & Jerry's, chocolate bars, baked treats and so on.

Yes, I am hesitant and quite scared to gain weight. I think that is simply because I don't see a need for me to gain weight. I am underweight, but a blood test showed that I am fine medically. I suffer from poor blood circulation and maybe a little mineral deficiency, but that's about it.

Since the diagnosis, I have been in two minds about it. Sometimes I can accept it, sometimes I can't. Sometimes I think "What the hell, I'll have what I want and try not to feel bad about it because I have to recover from an ED". But sometimes I think "You are not anorexic. Go on being the way you have been. It won't kill you." *at this point, I just realised I used a third person's voice to refer to not being anorexic*

I usually save up my calories in the daytime so that I can eat what I want at night. In the past few days, I have been eating cookies in the morning and I just had some ice cream after breakfast (which I think is a disgusting thing to do). These are things that I never did before.

I feel like my mind or my body is fighting me. Or maybe it's fighting itself. I am so confused. My husband says it doesn't matter what ED a person has. The presence of one is bad enough. I know the recovery process is hard. The therapist said that it is likely to get worse before it gets better, but she didn't give me any details on what to expect.
Does anybody have any stories, advice or feedback that might help me set my mind on track?