Hello Yoda. Thank you for sharing your story and joining the forum. A lot of your story has many of the same scenerios and outcomes as myself, but less severe because I got away without an ending in death. (my doc drugged him, long story). As with me, it was about 6 years ago and I also have a 17 year old son. My heart goes out to you because I know some of what you are feeling and relate to what you say.

In regards to your question about trusting someone for a relationship, I went through that too. My biggest fear was that through my own ignorance and naivity, I couldn't see the devil if he was standing right in front of me,and worse yet, that my personality was the cause of it all. If I had been a different person, this wouldn't have transpired. I couldn't trust myself. (My guy didn't show his true colours until the boys were born).

I'm in a relationship now and it is more of divine circumstance, I think. I never went looking and I kept bumping into this tough looking, but sweet guy. At first I was terrified because if my last could hold me against my will, this one certainly could too. I was afraid I was attracted to the same kind of man, but it turned out that this guy was the opposite because he was secure in himself.

I let him know a bit of what transpired and I took my sweet time in allowing trust to enter. Tiny baby steps and it was 4 years before I finally warmed up enough to see there was a future. I was ready to break up with him so many times and at a moment's notice. (Still am) Triggers galore. What I kept in my head, over and over again, is that if he is worthy of my love, he will still be around when I am ready. Sounds harsh because you risk loosing someone because of it, but I knew it couldn't be another way. Also, during this process, I was always questioning my actions so I wouldn't be repeating my past. One of which is I am very accommodating and like to spoil people. I had to learn to say no when I didn't want to, and mostly to allow another to spoil me. I also had to learn to argue and know that I wasn't going to have to 'pay a price' for speaking up. The first few disagreements led me into a complete tizzy before I would speak up, and then I was ready with all my defenses, for when he would start yelling or something. I really was surprised to find out that I could get mad, and even be dead wrong, and my new guy wouldn't trash me for it, hold it against me, and love me anyways. It has not been easy, but little by little I tested the waters.

What I'm saying is that it is so sweet to be alone and without someone hanging over you making his demands known. You are healing and it is only over when it is over. No timeframe to give you. Enjoy being alone and if there should be an opening with someone, know that it can be okay. Do things on your terms.

It seems your son's pain is surfacing with his hormones. I hope you can get someone to talk to him. What he likely needs is a good role model and even if you have to go outside of your family, there may be a mentoring program for him. Sports and a good coach is sometimes a very positive thing. I'm sure you've tried many things because one thing you are not, and that is a quitter. Congradulations on making it this far. I am so very proud of you and I hope something I said may have helped you farther along.

Anj