The eternal question. I'm your age, and wonder that some myself. Nothing is ever going to be 100%right. That is just the way it is. There are two answers to that though, you can spend the rest of your time here on earth pondering that question, or you can start looking for opportunities. I know that isn't easy, its a daily struggle I fight myself.

At 35 I graduated with a degree I had wanted since I was six. I finally had that horse I'd always wanted and a good income. My IRA was started, and I had a good job. What could happen?

Alot. Senior year, I lost my marriage and my son (to the divorce, not death), and after three years in my job, lost my health. Now, at fifty, my income is under the poverty level, my legs don't work well so I fall all the time even with a cane. There have been 12+ surgerical proceedures to implant a peripheral nerve stimulator for chronic daily migraines, I fight the depression that I've ad sincd 5th grade and on and on. I do understand.

We make mistakes in life, and sometimes they are far reaching. We don't have the luxuary of hindsight, so sometimes those mistakes cost us an awful lot. Its not what you did though. At this point, its how you choose to handle your life from this point on. That isn't easy and sometimes there are so many peices there is no clear place to start. Believe me, I'm not making light of what you are going through. I just don't want you to spend your life wondering what could have been.

Have you ever looked back into your 20's and thought "if I'd only done this or that, I would have had blank what ever now"? The same thing will happen if you give up now. In ten years, you will look back and wonder why you didn't do something about it when you were 50.

Make yourself two lists. One with the things that you feel are your strengths, (no one else will see, so there is no need to be overly humble), and on the other, your weaknesses. Decide which of those weaknesses you think you can get rid of fairly easily to start with. On the positive side, explored the things you can do with the things that are good about your life. It doesn't matter if they are outrageous. Its a start and may lead to other ideas.

If you don't have a therapist, that might be a good idea. With the right therapist, you may be able to find your way through that maze that is your life now. If needed, there are medications that may be helpful for you either temporarily while you are starting, or, in some cases for life. I know the thought of medication is never pleasant, and most people don't want to be on them, but if they could help you move forward, wouldn't it be worth it?

I'm sorry I don't have any definitive answers for you. If I did, I wouldn't be struggling enough to be on this forum, but know that you are not alone. Although our experiences are different, we have all been through pain, devestation and betrayal to some degree or other. Please don't stop trying. We will be here when things get rocky, or, better yet, to hear when you are climbing up out of the hole.

Sam2