Thanks again, I feel like reading all your responses over the last few days and thinking about it has really helped. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that if the guy knew I didn't want it then it was rape/assault (wouldn't necessarily stand up in court but I'm not concerned with that) and I know which situations those were if I really think about it. I guess the only people who can really judge that would be me and these guys and I think I can trust my intuition on that now. Sort of clears up the grey area. It makes sense too that even in the cases where it was not rape/assault it could still be traumatizing to me and no one is really at fault for that.

I guess I really have one more question- this is something I'm really struggling with- if I told my fiance about one of these traumatic but not actually rape scenarios and implied that it was rape does that make me a liar? I don't know why it concerns me so much but after what he's been through and how much that affected him I feel terrible. (He feels demasculinzed and humiliated and it brought up a bunch of his past issues as well.) I really don't want to be an attention ***** or a liar and I don't know if I should bring it up with him and tell him this particular incident wasn't technically rape but was still traumatic. I'm scared he'd be mad at me and more importantly that he'd have a right to be. I feel dishonest and pretty ******.