You're not disgusting, or awful.

Not one of us is a perfect parent and I am sure you do well with your children. The fact that you SI'd while they were in the other room is not unique, I'm betting on that. The need to do that doesn't come at the most convenient times, it just happens. Sure you need to learn to stop, and cope differently but for now, don't beat yourself up for it. you were considerate enough not to do it with them in the same room so does it matter if they were there in the other room, in bed or outside playing? I think not.

Do you make up your problems? Don't let the world's view of BPD as drama queens sink in. It's not true. The issues are real, whether stemming from imaginary and irrational fears or not, the fact that they affect your life and your behaviors makes it a real issue that needs to be dealt with. We fake a lot of stuff but usually it's to hide the fact that we are struggling, not to create drama intentionally.

*hugs to you...* hope you feel better soon.

And as for Online classes, I'm sure you're capable and will be a success. Good for you for not going into debt for school!