I have been dealing with this situation for years, but recently have become concerned it will impact my children ... and thus it has become a real issue.

Background: My Mother-In-Law is the center of all relationships. She relays all family information (aka GOSSIP) and controls all incoming and outgoing communication. My husband and his two brothers communicate with each other primarily through her (and occasionally my FIL as well). How they choose to communicate (or their lack of communication) has annoyed me, but recently has me a bit more on edge. This is not merely a communication issue, but a feeling that my husbands parents must be involved in everything and looped into everything. I have put an end to my husbands constant sharing of OUR family information to his parents, but this still exists between his siblings and himself and extended family members.

I suggested to my husband (yesterday) that we go see his brother and our sister-in-law. The kids rarely see them (I believe, because the contact must route through his parents) and were asking about them. He agreed (but seemed hesitant) and then quickly said "You know, we will have to invite my mom too". His brother lives about an hour from us, his mother only about 20 minutes from his brother. That was one excuse. The then also suggested because his father was out of town she'd have to be invited, which is obviously totally unrelated.

Looking back I addressed this wrong, and ended up mocking him (in a way) in that he thinks we have to invite his mother if we are going to see his brother. I scolded him that his relationships with his brothers were independent of his mother and that (in turn) our kids needed to have a chance to connect with his brothers (their uncles) without his parents (and the WHOLE GANG) always there. He didnt agree with me, but rather shut down. We did make plans to go there and did not invite his mother. Unfortunately, she randomly decided to do a drop-in at his brothers house while we were there. I could tell my husband felt like he was caught cheating - today I can tell he is still feeling guilty for seeing his brother and not letting his mother know.

So, a very long story short, I am not sure how to move forward here. I think my kids relationships will all of his family members are important. However, I dont think that they will be able to build relationships with each Aunt, Uncle, and Grandparent if every single gathering is a big family to-do. I also feel bad for insulting my husband while trying to explain that this family dynamic is unhealthy - not just for him, but for me, and now our children.