You may be mad at me thinking I'm ignoring the problem and acting like nothing is wrong but as I've already told you, I've come to you at least 3-4 times to try to work things out and move on and all that you do is continue to beat me over the head with what you believe I have done. I've tried to find ways to move forward but you will have none of it. You have said that you have left me and are still here only because you can't leave. Which is not really true - you could go live with your mother but that's just not really an option is it. Why?

The therapist tells me that you seem to be unhappy with yourself and that you project that onto me. You may have thought the joint sessions were all about changing me and I never had asked her what she saw but did this past session and what she saw was someone who twisted things. You appear confident but really are not. You should seek counseling on your own, she says. As I become 'better' or 'stronger' and begin to stand up for myself and accept that my feelings have value, you have a harder time dealing with it. The therapist has clearly stated that I need to stop taking all the blame and when I stop taking all the blame, relations with you break down because everything is fine as long as I am willing to accept that I am the one at fault. Unfortunately, we've seen that this only works for a short time - things only get better for a little while - in therapy or not so far but this past visit I expressed that I'm not taking all the blame this time and that's the way its got to be and that is what therapy is going to help me with - to be better and stronger and to believe in myself.


I have realized that you will not change. You talk about me not giving you what you need but you certainly do not give me what I need. You don't even remotely seem to understand what my issues are. I have spent my entire life trying to please people, to avoid contact, and to constantly be afraid of what people think of me. I'm not sure you can really grasp the impact of that because it was hard for me to. I have become someone who does not feel that he is worthy to be around anyone. Are you aware that your constant bashing me over the head and telling me that the problem is with me and that I need to change, just drives this home even more?

What this latest fight has underscored is that you are not concerned with my feelings and seemingly don't see that as your problem and something you need to change. You use my feelings against me and twist them so that rather than dealing with them, you claim they hurt you and that I should not have those feelings if I really loved you. I am entitled to my feelings and as someone who loves me, you should be willing to work with me on them. When I say I feel that you take and that you manipulate, I understand that this hurts because I've been on the reiceing end of comments like this for years. My response is to look inside myself and try to fix the problem - whether I see it as a problem in me or not. Your response is to say my feelings are wrong and hurtful and just shows that I don't love you. A more appropriate response would be to accept that I have my feelings and try to lovingly work with me to show they are not true.

Before therapy I always tried to do the right thing, so I thought, and change myself for you and that failed. During therapy I also still tried to change myself and ended up with the same result - you being angry with me. This has led me to realize that there is no way. Nothing will ever be just right or good enough. In that respect, no, I can never meet your needs.


I'm done with it. I know that I am not a bad person. I know that I can offer people something beyond trying to please them - or at least I know I need to know that and I'm working to believe that - I'm not entirely convinced yet but I am convinced that I need to work at learning this. I do very little for myself. I know that I have to be happy with me for me. The things I need to change about me are things I see I need to change. I've lived my life for others and have destroyed myself and am miserable and I need to start doing things for myself and being a little selfish. I need to stop fearing life.

It makes me sad that you will likely take my being miserable as a personal affront and an insult to you and rather than you wrapping me up in your arms and helping me though it, you will be angry. You of course would deny that but when have you ever listened to my saying I need help and then being there for me and trying to help me for me? This is how I feel and rather than getting angry about it, you need to deal with it. You behavior the past few weeks shows me that you will not deal with.

You always call me 'a party of one' as an insult - that hurts. Yes, I am independent and I'm quite proud of that fact - I can do many things and don't really have to rely on too many people but that's a side-effect of not being able to interact with people and I've taken it too far. What do I really do on my own? I run/walk and I'd like to remind you that I've often asked you to go with me. Lately I've been doing the WII Yoga - I like to do that alone because I'm afraid of what you all will think of me even though I know I don't really need to worry about such things - still I think I look ridiculous and would for now until I become better at it prefer to do it alone but then even if I invited you to do it with me, would you? No. What else do I do as a party of one? I work on the house. I've told you repeatedly since working on the bathroom that I need a partner in that not someone who harasses me and what is your response - certainly not to help. I work alone - maybe you think because I work from home that I should spend more time with you rather than work. Its a job, I get paid enough to barely keep us afloat and I have to work at it. Let's look at a couple of other things that you call me a party of one. Motorcycles are one - how much do I actually ride? Never really and when I do they are short local rides. One reason that I got a motorcycle was to try to break free from my fears and it only really stands out as another example of my fears. Want to ride my motorcycle with me? - I'm not sure that would work. So maybe I should have bought a Harley but as much as I'd like to be part of that image, its not really me. The Corvette? I bought that as much for the kids as I did for me - and to spend my improperly used IRA money on something for me before it was all pissed away. Do I really go too many places alone in the vette "to be a party of one" - no not really. I will go to some car shows alone but only if no one will go with me - I like taking one of the kids along with me for those. You hate riding in it. It is nice to go out for a drive alone but how often do I really do that? Again as with the motorcycle, not often.

Also maybe because after a stressful day my way of dealing with it is to find some peace and quiet and you have problem with that because I should want to relieve stress by being with you because that's what you'd want - you said exactly that to me. You say that I should curl up with you and have that be a stress relief rather than something that causes stress. Yes, you cause me stress and instead of working with me on why and being sympathetic, you beat me over the head with it and insist its something wrong with me. Maybe that's why you cause me stress - anything that I do that is not exactly right is used to berate and beat me with - that is how I feel so what are you going to do to help me feel better. Nothing. Its up to me to make my own happiness just as it is for you to make your own happiness. We can find happiness together but its not my responsibility to ensure you are happy and its not your responsibility to ensure that I am happy.


I'm a party of one because you don't want to become part of my world.

There is much that I want to do with you. Go places, lead a happy life, picnic by the beach, go to wineries. There is always the pressure to perform and do the right thing or face your wrath. Part of that pressure comes from my need to want to please people of course extends to you - doubly so, but part of it is also the very real problem that doing the "wrong" thing lately results in weeks if not months of your wrath and anger. It is terrible to live that way. I'm sure you also say that its terrible to live constantly not being shown love but I say that's often because you don't see it your way.