**might trigger so please be careful**

**triggerish**

I dislike my family.

I mean I do care about them when they're not being mean to me and generally making me feel absolutely worthless ... but still.

I was told yesterday by my mother when I told her I was not finding my job easy and it was making me upset that ...

I am apparently not ALLOWED to quit my job.

This was an order of sorts. Why do they do this to me? Am I the only one who gets hurt by being bossed around and yelled at and generally made to feel completely worthless?

Am I the only one with feelings in my family? Sure I may not get angry - angry usually really bad and not to be expressed in my family - but I do get sad. All the time when I'm around them.

I know, I know. Its my life, and my decision if I want to keep this job or not, right?

But it isn't. Its not my decision because its not my life because if I made a "bad" decision then I'll never hear the end of it. I want out of this. I want to think individually for myself ...

But I won't. Because chances are that they're right ... I am worthless, hopeless, useless, unmotivated, disabled and never ever going to make anything of myself.

I told my friend what my mother had told me - her order for me to not quit my job. He said she sounded abusive. I didn't want to admit it. My other friend - the special one who had to leave for 10 months - he told me the same thing. He made me buy a book about emotional abuse. I cried through it. I can't help it. I don't want to admit it.

And this not the best way for me to not wind up more depressed. I am stuck being like this forever, aren't I?