Is your therapist aware that you are still having suicidal urges and thinking about cutting yourself? If not, he/she should know, because some anti-depressants and other psychiatric medications can cause suicidal thoughts. Its a good idea anyway, as your psychiatrist will have a better understanding of how to help you. If you think that you may cut yourself or attempt suicide, please tell someone so that they can stay with you and make sure that you are safe.

When you are already hurting inside, sometimes it feels like even completely innocent remarks feel like being poked. The popsickle incident, though yes, it was a little more than your neice deserved, but she should respect your space and have the courtesy to keep it clean and neat. That would probably make me angry too.

Borderline personality is a tough one. I'm glad you found this forum, because people who have been through similar or the same problems understand and don't judge you. If you think about it, most pschiatric problems are merely an over-exaggeration of a normal behavior. For instance, for some borderline patients, there is a very real and very distressing fear of abandonment. Everyone is afraid of losing someone they love and count on, they simply don't have it on their minds all the time or feel like a loss is the end of the world. We are programed to seek out human contact, instinctively. We just don't think about it that way.

When you are already upset, it doesn't take much to set you off. Kind of like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Once you reach your tolerance level of emotional upset, it blows. To outsiders, it looks like you lost your temper for no real reason, but in fact, you are probably reacting to a whole lot of little things that you held inside until that one last thing put you over the boiling point. When something like that happens, if you are able, instead of blowing up, get on the forum and vent some of your anger. Writing down the incident is therapuetic in itself, but it will also give you some time to cool down before responding to the incident.

If you live in a place where you can hang a punching bag from the ceiling, like in a basement, you can hit that without hurting yourself or anyone else. Just make sure you have gloves on. Keep hitting it until you are exhausted. You can also jog or lift weights to burn off some of the extra energy.

Way back in the days of the cave man, when faced with a problem, we had the option of fighting or fleeing. Now, we still have the hormones that tell us to fight or run, but the problems are different and we can't use either of those choices. Because we don't have those options, we are stuck with the fight or flight chemicals, but no place to safely or legally get rid of them. Hard exercise such as running or working on the heavy bag help dispell those chemicals, and make us feel better. Making that committment to work out is difficult if you aren't into excercise, but once you do, you will probably feel a little better. Its not a cure, just another way of controlling those feelings that crop up for you.

I hope that you are feeling a little better, but know that its probably wishful thinking. I've put a few holes in walls and windows myself. Is your therapist a nueropsychiatrist? Just a thought. Please be safe and stay on your medications. I know how annoying those can be, both the way they make you feel and other side effects. I'm on several, all for pain and anxiety, but would sometimes like to flush all of them. My friend keeps the medications at my request, because like you, I tend to hold things in and then blow and I might very well flush all my meds when I was in that mood.

Sam2