I don't know, it sounds like this man made your life hell and you ended up even having to give up your child. I think you need to focus on "your healing" and let go of this man completely. You may just be missing the "dream you had of him" but you need to wake up and realize what his "addictions cost you" which was a family. I don't see you as a monster, I see you as a very confused woman who is finally "mourning" what happened and how this relationship failed for you.

Mourning is missing, grieving, and even doubting, even being angry, going through emotions of the loss you have suffered. But these emotions are not a signal to "go back" to something either. You can "love" someone that has an addiction problem, which means they have much deeper and disfunctional problems as well, but "loving someone" doesn't mean that "being with that person is healthy for you". This is not what you have "accepted" yet, which is something you need to finally face and allow yourself to recognize the entire situation was very "disfunctional".

You need to understand the danger of allowing yourself to be included in a disfunctional relationship, that all it does is break you down, hurt you in many ways, which resulted in your trying to take your own life. Now, think about it, why on earth would going back into a relationship like that be "good for anyone"? You need to explore "you" more and your past and why you "accept abusive people" somehow. There is a reason for this and you need to understand it and work on "healing that broken part of you, finally, and decide to learn and grow now".

I hope you are seeing a therapist, if not then you need to find one so you can finally address the things about yourself that needs to finally understand that you don't have to devalue yourself so you can avoid any future "bad or disfunctional" relationships.