Yes I do realize I lost her. Sometimes it hits me so hard and I feel like the worst lowest person in the world. I feel like a monster. How could I have let it all happen ? I have never hurt anyone in my life. In high school, I babysit my relative's children growing up and I loved them all so much. I was a straight A student and a devout Christian hoping to be a missionary. Then suddenly my life changed 100% and I didn't see a way back. You never can imagine something like that until it happens. And I realize I couldn't see really clearly everything until I left him and was away from it all. But you don't realize the conflicting feelings that can happen afterwards. Most of the time I see everything clearly and I hate him, I hate myself and the grief is unbearable. Sometimes I blame myself, if I hadn't done this or that maybe he wouldn't have became that person. Maybe I'm an abusive psycho and I drove him to madness. Then sometimes I see a picture of him smiling and then I hear he's graduating college soon and my mind thinks look at me, I can't get out of bed, I can't hold down a job...when was the last time I smiled ? And then I start remembering how he loved me and took care of me when things were good and I just think what if the joke is on me ? What if everything is my fault ? It's hard to explain. I understand what you said and I agree. But its not as simple as that as I've learned the hard way. Yes I need to go to therapy. I will as soon as I'm able to financially. This is the first time I've spoken of this publically. I'm ashamed and scared to tell others. What if the therapist reacts just the way you did ? Angry at how I could be so screwed and let that happen to my daughter.