Two years ago I started to date one of my best friends. I have/had a very close knit group of friends, one other girl and two guys (to help keep things clear we will call them: Mary, John and Ken). Mary was closer to me than my own family. Anyway, I began to date John, and we were together for 7 months. It was one of the best relationships I had had. After 7 months, John and Mary slept together. It absolutely DEVASTATED me. This is the first time I had ever been cheated on. This occurred about a year and a half ago.
Since then I have been on a rollercoaster of crap. I had lost the two most important people to me at once.
Stupidly, I tried to take John back. Mary was completely cut out of my life. We dated about another 7 months before I broke it off with him and kicked him out. Before I had taken him back, he slept with another girl (we weren't technically together, but I still felt betrayed and cheated on) and after I broke up with John for good, I attempted to be the better person and forgive Mary.
When I tried to be friends with both of them again, I clearly still had feelings for John (I have no clue why.. Though he was my first.) I had suspicions that they were still doing stuff behind my back, and even though John and I weren't dating anymore, I was still jealous. I begged them to tell me the truth, said I didn't care I just needed them to be honest. Then they lied to me yet again, and I found out they were secretly in to each other and doing (mild) things behind my back. I just felt like, after everything, here I was trying to reach out and forgive and all I get back were lies. So that really hurt... Yet I have still been trying to be their friends.

That's the background of the situation. Currently, two years later, I feel like I should be further ahead with the healing process than I currently am, but I find myself utterly messed up.

I have VERY low self esteem, I have almost zero faith in men (I have attempted a few relationships/getting to know other people to no avail.) I've only been used for sex (I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. HE LEFT BECAUSE I WOULDNT PUT OUT) mainly, but since I don't sleep around no one sticks around. I just feel like the majority of men are pigs, or think sex is meaningless...

I know a lot of advice will be: drop them as friends! But it's harder than that. We have a very long history, and I am afraid to be alone. When you get older, everyone knows that making new, strong, friendships are hard because everyone has already foudn their "clique" and aren't willing to expand outward. I am desperately searching for that closeness I once had with Mary. I can't ever be that way though, because I have no respect for her.

I feel depressed, Mary is in a loving and committed relationship, John is still trying to get me back, and although I will not get back with him, I can't deny the chemistry we have. Every time we are together- just us- I find myself drawn to him again. John is verbally abusive, in the sense that EVERYTHING is always my fault, and he can do no wrong. He doesn't call me ugly or anything, but constantly calls me "childish, immature, crazy, insane, idiotic etc." when we have arguments. He also continually says I should "be over it by now" and "should move on" because I'm "holding a grudge"

I desperately want to move forward with my life, and move on, but I am so unhappy. I am tired of not being in a relationship, but not enough so to settle for someone not worth my time. (I've been single since September 2012)

Still with me? I have one last portion of the story...

Here's where Ken comes in. He has developed feelings for me, and I have kind of developed them back. But because of my messed up history with that relationship, I find myself having severe jealousy issues, and it is easier to just not care then to open up to him. He is very sweet, kind, caring etc. but there are a lot of complications if him and I were to get together.
1. PLEASE don't call me shallow, but there are aspects that I do not find physically attractive. I'm capable of overlooking these, but because of the other obstacles it's difficult.
2. He is John's BEST FRIEND. And since John is still in to me/wanting me back/my friend AND Ken's friend... Well you can see why this is a problem.

Essentially I just really need to know how I can move forward from this devastating point in my life. I'm so tired of being unhappy, and I also would like to know if Ken is someone I should be with too. He does make me feel great about myself, and he knows my history and my issues and he's willing to work on them with me...
Anywho, any help/pointers/tips from people would be really appreciative.. I'm not really one to reach out, so this is a first.

Thanks!
- Kira