Thank you for the differing viewpoints, all. We all seem to see it a little differently. My own tendency lies towards the predisposing temperament + environmental factors in the development of BPD (see this article on the Etiology of BPD). So, I do not think BPD defines all of who I am, or all of who I can be. I believe I had a self and a potential-to-be that differs from the mode of being I had to build in order to survive.

I don't consider my trait masking/"high-functioning" to be recovery of any sort. The devil is in the details, and in close relationships or with anyone I care about, it all falls apart and I become something else entirely. No matter how happy I might feel in a given moment, there's always dread. Dread that the darkness will come like an undertow and sweep me away again. I hurt the people I'm close to horribly. For me, that's not recovery. (Unless I keep running away and really do become a hermit!)

cboxpalace, it does sound like we function similarly! It sounds a bit like the Detached Protector mode from schema therapy, and is what I function under most times. But in my case, I am sometimes in touch with my emotional side. I definitely know I have one, and it has a lot of empathy. But it's the childish lack-of-boundaries "who's actually being hurt here?" kind of empathy. It's completely split off from me (rational me, thinking me), and integration between the two is my ultimate goal. I hate passionately loving someone one minute and feeling nothing towards them the next. I really do. Under stress (which can be as "minor" as the stress of passing for normal), I default to being detached.

Recovery, for me, would mean integration of the emotional self I had to protect at all costs with the helpful traits and skills I've learned over time - my logic, rationality, objectiveness, and ability to fake being "normal". It probably means something different to everyone, and I understand that not everyone is interested in that particular journey.

Some links/quotes that I strongly relate to and that are relevant to this post/my journey:

http://www.therapist-training.com.au...ellogyoung.pdf

"Despite the reputation that patients who have BPD have for dramatic displays of “acting out” behavior and high levels of emotional intensity, most of the time, they are typically functioning in what is called the detached protector mode, in which the patient adopts a “style of emotional withdrawal, disconnection, isolation, and behavioral avoidance” (Young et al., 2003, p. 275).

In the detached protector mode, patients may feel numb or empty. They may adopt a cynical or aloof stance to avoid investing emotionally in people or activities. Behavioral examples include social withdrawal, excessive self-reliance, addictive self-soothing, fantasizing, compulsive distraction, and stimulation seeking (p. 275).

Another complication here is that although the detached protector mode has helped
patients survive, it interferes with psychotherapeutic progress and keeps the abandoned
and abused child blocked off from a therapeutic connection."

and http://www.primals.org/articles/hannig03.html

"In many interactions the BP is not emotionally present. Relating is from only pieces or parts of the self. To the trained observer it is obvious that the missing aspects of the personality have not been felt, recovered, and integrated into a solid whole.

As real feelings emerge, the borderline becomes terrified of "going crazy' and never being able to come out of it.

The deflated false self of the borderline is unreal (Masterson, 1988). The client is deluded into believing that this horribly low self is the real self. The BP comes from a false-self-oriented family structure which reinforces the belief that the false self is one's true identity. It is as if the child's head is opened up and a depressed, unhappy, disconnected, alienated personality is implanted, completely destroying the real self. The borderline identifies with, and glues himself, to the false, denigrated, and self-loathing personality. This personality is an unreal mask that the BP wants the world and the therapist to accept as the real self. It represents self-deception and denial of the inner person, who therefore remains completely hidden from the self. A real self is a creature of hope, enthusiasm, joy, and love. But the borderline's belief is that the unhappy mask is actually the real person.

The borderline has difficulty experiencing the feeling of mourning for the loss of the real self, the inner child. The BP is unfamiliar, almost a stranger, to himself."

(Sorry, another long post from me. )