Well I just came back from t appointment and t and I are both doing a reading assignment; The Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown and we were supposed to discuss the next chapter but t asked first if there was anything I wanted to talk about first so of course I was like, Yes!

I updated him on my last appointment with my surgeon and what we had discussed and what the plan was and then of course the tears came and we talked about what the tears were for. I talked about how there is so many sad times and these scars are a constant reminder of those. We talked about all the past su attempts and horrible hospitalizations and how I never wanted to talk about it but in fact they really were traumatic.

I told him that when I first began therapy with him I would look at him and think to myself, "I wonder if he knows that I am going to kill myself?" It was a certain thing, it wasn't if, it was when. I did infact have two very near death attempts in my course of treatment with him, not to mention those before. He said it was a miracle that I was alive and it wasn't for the lack of trying I put into dying.

We talked about my feelings of heartsinking despair and that there is no words to describe that at the moment you have decided to take your own life. I told him I was angry, actually outraged for that girl that was hurting for so long and I can't understand why no one stepped in for her. He said he doesn't know why either and we can talk about it but we may never know why. He said that people may just have wanted me to be quiet, but that is not a kind thing to do because clearly I had a lot to say.

I told him thank you for getting in the trenches with me. He said it was a lot of work for both of us. I said it was a miracle. He cried. I cried. He encouraged me to validate the despair but not add shame to it.To not be ashamed of that girl. I said we will have to work on that. I talked about how I feel so strong now, I am in school and doing really well. I am eating right and exercising, I have friends, I feel competent in areas of my life that I hadn't before. I described a moment of connection I had last week and that it made me hopeful that I can continue to connect with people and not isolate myself. He cried again at that. I am at a different place and when I worry about what may come I tell myself that you can't step into the same stream twice.

Finally when we were wrapping up I asked him how I was going to get through tomorrow. I said I was going to work hard at being in the moment but I was scared that I was going to cry. He asked what would happen if I did cry and he affirmed he thought I would. I told him I would be embarrassed. He asked what the tears would say. I told him they would be sad for what was and so very grateful for what is now. He said that was perfect and how could you not cry over that. And he cried again. He told me not to worry and he said that my doctor obviously cares very much about me and he is not going to judge me for crying. He said that it is safe to be vulnerable there tomorrow. ............... I think I am ready. Anyone want to come with me for support? I have never asked for a pocket rider before. I am so scared, I am so sad, I am so happy, and I am so excited........I'm ready.