I have to say.. your self esteem is what worries me the most... In your first post, the things that really got to me were not the issue at hand, but the "This is a stupid post"; "if anyone bothers to read this..." and the like. And then similar sentiments in your replies... It just breaks my heart to hear that. You're worthy of being heard and of receiving respectful answers. You're also worthy of receiving love.

Mylove has a good point. You need to start repeating positive things to yourself. You're not going to believe them at first, but you have to keep telling yourself that you are a good person and worthy of love. Without fulling grasping the meaning of your statement about your brain trying to kill you, it sounds like you have a lot of anger or hatred towards yourself, and I think these two issues are very closely related. Another thing you could try would be to write down all the negative statements you make about yourself, and then write positive counter statements. An example could be, "I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve friends." Then the counter statements would be "I do deserve to be happy, like every other human being. I deserve to have friends and to build strong, healthy relationships."

I hate to see your hurting so much, and I hope you feel better soon.

Btw, I understand the whole "coming from the perfect family, why am I like this?" business... I'm the same way...